I'm really sick of older-I mean way older-men hitting on me. The matchmakers always take their side saying they want to have kids or they want what they are attracted to. If men want kids, they shouldn't wait until they are 50 to worry about this. I hear men my age arrogantly tell me that they are going to wait until they are older and then date younger women. I don't have a single wrinkle on me. I don't have a single gray hair. I've inspected. Most of my friends are a couple years younger than I am. They are ALL starting to gray already. Looking younger than you are is actually something that runs in my family. If I were a liar, like everyone tells me to be, I could easily say I'm 28 and date men my own age. However, I wouldn't want to start a relationship off on a lie like that.
As for the argument that men make that they need to date women they are attracted to, so it doesn't matter that I'm not? What narks me even more that they will chase down a girl that doesn't want them, push themselves on her and after she caves and dates them, they will get mad that she doesn't like them and is using them for their money or "You make me feel like an ATM." Men will say to women, "don't you want a man who is attracted to you?" I guess men don't want a woman who is attracted to them from what I have seen. Personally, I want to gag at the thought of being with someone who looks like a grandfather to me.
rant out
Monday, December 2, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thanksgivukkah
What am I thankful this Thanksgivukkah? First and foremost, I'm thankful for a roof over my head. I'm thankful for friends of mine, in particular M-who understands how I feel about everything and we enjoy hanging out watching a movie or whatever, S-who is ALWAYS there when I want someone to talk to, and T-my friend from elementary school who really gets some of the unspeakable things I've been through.
What are you thankful for this year?
What are you thankful for this year?
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
A New Way To Look At the Agunah problem...
So, I've thought about what an agunah is and how they become one, the Torah creating this ill and the set up of the current get and its system. I've actually thought about this for a while. Back in maybe 2008, I discussed this with a woman friendly kollel wife and then her husband came home and we added him to our discussion.
The idea is when a man marries a woman the katubbah is a commitment to provide all these things to her. It's a one sided contract. The woman does not sign it or anything for that matter. Then when a man is tired of his wife, the Torah dictates that instead of just kicking her out, he has to write up a letter and send her on her way. It seems like from the verse that this was so she could try to go get a new man as men would have feared sleeping with a married woman and having the husband show up to beat him up or whatever. At no point does a woman actually sign anything saying she will cook and clean for him, men just assume that part. At no point does a woman sign over the rights to her body for sex at his whim. All of these things are assumed but not in any contract.
The get is essentially the man buying out of what he signs-the katubbah... so my argument is that first off, the katubbah isn't a valid contract. Even from one law class, I know that a contract contains: offer, consideration and acceptance. This is nothing more than a written offer. There is no consideration or acceptance that makes it onto paper. It is all assumed. Furthermore, if a man doesn't hold up his end of the offer, it seems to me the whole contract should be null and void.
So we asked the husband about this. His response was that the contract isn't valid, so calling it null and void doesn't matter, it's never an enforceable contract in the first place. Ow, my forehead hurts as my palm just went flying into it.... So, if the contract isn't a contract, why do women need another contract to get out of it? What are the women "getting out of" since they never sign away any rights on paper? I mean with a state marriage contract, both men and women are expected to only have sex with each other and figure out their bills and kids together. Both parties have obligations and both parties can initiate divorce. Nevertheless, in the Jewish marriage, actually only a man obligates himself to provide for a woman and their children. In reading the passage about the get, it sounds like it's a courtesy to women so that they can find someone else without the new man fearing repercussions. However, the Torah states unequivocally for men to give this document. Nowhere does it refer to it as a nice thing to do or an option. The Torah communicates it as necessary as keeping Shabbos.... so take that boys!
The idea is when a man marries a woman the katubbah is a commitment to provide all these things to her. It's a one sided contract. The woman does not sign it or anything for that matter. Then when a man is tired of his wife, the Torah dictates that instead of just kicking her out, he has to write up a letter and send her on her way. It seems like from the verse that this was so she could try to go get a new man as men would have feared sleeping with a married woman and having the husband show up to beat him up or whatever. At no point does a woman actually sign anything saying she will cook and clean for him, men just assume that part. At no point does a woman sign over the rights to her body for sex at his whim. All of these things are assumed but not in any contract.
The get is essentially the man buying out of what he signs-the katubbah... so my argument is that first off, the katubbah isn't a valid contract. Even from one law class, I know that a contract contains: offer, consideration and acceptance. This is nothing more than a written offer. There is no consideration or acceptance that makes it onto paper. It is all assumed. Furthermore, if a man doesn't hold up his end of the offer, it seems to me the whole contract should be null and void.
So we asked the husband about this. His response was that the contract isn't valid, so calling it null and void doesn't matter, it's never an enforceable contract in the first place. Ow, my forehead hurts as my palm just went flying into it.... So, if the contract isn't a contract, why do women need another contract to get out of it? What are the women "getting out of" since they never sign away any rights on paper? I mean with a state marriage contract, both men and women are expected to only have sex with each other and figure out their bills and kids together. Both parties have obligations and both parties can initiate divorce. Nevertheless, in the Jewish marriage, actually only a man obligates himself to provide for a woman and their children. In reading the passage about the get, it sounds like it's a courtesy to women so that they can find someone else without the new man fearing repercussions. However, the Torah states unequivocally for men to give this document. Nowhere does it refer to it as a nice thing to do or an option. The Torah communicates it as necessary as keeping Shabbos.... so take that boys!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Parenting: age inappropriate expectations
I know. I know. I don't have kids of my own. However, I watch parents and have noticed this one. I just stumbled across this article on Anger. It discusses anger in response to a kid failing to meet expectations that are just totally wrong for their age and development. Again, I'm not a parent so I'm sure some of you think I don't have the right to have an opinion about this or be blogging about it. I did, however, have a parent that I mostly lived with who was this sort of parent. Thankfully, my mother was a good parent and she was a phone call away. Also, I was more neglected than yelled at for not living up to crazy standards.
In the article, the mother states that she wouldn't have any of her mother's “touchy-feely, psychological nonsense,” and that, “Children must be obedient without prizes, charts or notebooks.” Honestly, to some extent that might be true, especially for an older child. My mother didn't reward me for meeting expectations. She took privileges away when I didn't. Also, maybe I was a freak, but I really wanted to make my mother happy with me. I wanted to make the Honor Roll because she told me all the time that she wanted me to and thought that I could. There were no prizes for this.
The article mentions that often these children/teenagers, "turn to addictions for soothing, since a computer, chocolate or alcohol will never be angry, rejecting or disappointing.." It's probably good that I am only addicted to chocolate and not drugs or alcohol. Most of the rest of the article deals with anger, which is important to deal with, but my point in this blog post was to shed light on expecting kids to act as is appropriate for an older child could damage them. Sometimes, they need to be cut some slack. Again, I'm not a parent but I think many parents would agree with me. In the most extreme, you wouldn't expect a 6 month old to toilet train themselves. You wouldn't expect a 5 year old to go out and support themselves and leave home or even cook their own meals and be left home alone overnight. I mean normal people wouldn't at least. The article touches on more gray areas like how much a child should be spilling before it's ok to yell at them for it. Actually, even grown ups spill. What about a child not falling asleep right away? Well, when a friend of mine and her kids came for Shabbos and her youngest wasn't asleep, I spoke up, "look you don't have to fall asleep, you just have to be quiet and not bother your sister and you can only come out here if you have to go to the bathroom." Well, of course she fell asleep. Her mother, my friend, complimented me for being able to see the solution. Well, I'm also a cheater. I was restless not wanting to go to sleep and that was what my mom told me. Usually it worked, though I remember her catching me reading a book with a flashlight behind my bed so the light wouldn't wake my sister a couple times.... not what she had in mind...
There is a line between being overly permissive and unrealistic expectations and one would want to walk somewhere in the middle. Yeah, well easier said than done, but it's something to think about.
In the article, the mother states that she wouldn't have any of her mother's “touchy-feely, psychological nonsense,” and that, “Children must be obedient without prizes, charts or notebooks.” Honestly, to some extent that might be true, especially for an older child. My mother didn't reward me for meeting expectations. She took privileges away when I didn't. Also, maybe I was a freak, but I really wanted to make my mother happy with me. I wanted to make the Honor Roll because she told me all the time that she wanted me to and thought that I could. There were no prizes for this.
The article mentions that often these children/teenagers, "turn to addictions for soothing, since a computer, chocolate or alcohol will never be angry, rejecting or disappointing.." It's probably good that I am only addicted to chocolate and not drugs or alcohol. Most of the rest of the article deals with anger, which is important to deal with, but my point in this blog post was to shed light on expecting kids to act as is appropriate for an older child could damage them. Sometimes, they need to be cut some slack. Again, I'm not a parent but I think many parents would agree with me. In the most extreme, you wouldn't expect a 6 month old to toilet train themselves. You wouldn't expect a 5 year old to go out and support themselves and leave home or even cook their own meals and be left home alone overnight. I mean normal people wouldn't at least. The article touches on more gray areas like how much a child should be spilling before it's ok to yell at them for it. Actually, even grown ups spill. What about a child not falling asleep right away? Well, when a friend of mine and her kids came for Shabbos and her youngest wasn't asleep, I spoke up, "look you don't have to fall asleep, you just have to be quiet and not bother your sister and you can only come out here if you have to go to the bathroom." Well, of course she fell asleep. Her mother, my friend, complimented me for being able to see the solution. Well, I'm also a cheater. I was restless not wanting to go to sleep and that was what my mom told me. Usually it worked, though I remember her catching me reading a book with a flashlight behind my bed so the light wouldn't wake my sister a couple times.... not what she had in mind...
There is a line between being overly permissive and unrealistic expectations and one would want to walk somewhere in the middle. Yeah, well easier said than done, but it's something to think about.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Hipsters
In classic ADHD style, I just ended up on an internet tangent. What started out as me checking my Email, landed in my looking up the definition for hipster. I mean, I watch "Two Broke Girls" and Max throws out the term all the time in her frustration with customers. Nevertheless, I wondered what really is it? Well, it seems that it's what I would call a village type because in NYC, when you go into the village this is the type that you see. It is the modern day hippie, a mainstream counter culture of like minded individuals who shun cliches but only in favor of their own sub culture, thus becoming a bit of a cliche. I would not be a hipster because I'm too much of an individual to fit into some sort of category like that. Contrary to popular belief, I don't see hipsters living off their parents. I see them having parents who are pissed that they didn't become a doctor, lawyer, investment banker or otherwise successful cliche career like their siblings. I had a study group in college with a girl in it who I would suspect of being a hipster. She was a bartender. I can see them being graphic designers and tattoo artists. I'll bet some work as coffee place baristas and computer nerds.
In the historical sense, they evolved from and somewhat overlapped the goth and skater types of the 90s. The goth and skater types 80s counterparts were punk rockers, glam rockers and even metalheads (I was a metalhead in the late 80s) a little. Before those types were the hippie. The hippie was the first and original counter culture. Before that, you were either part of the majority or just different and there was no special box to put you in if you dared to be free thinking.
Who am I? Well, any one of those groups would consider me a poser because I maintain the ability to blend into society at the drop of a hat. Some might call me a loner, but I don't like the term loner. It implies someone who can't fit in, even if they want to, rather than someone who just doesn't see it as some all important thing. I associate trying to fit in with pathetic people who want to be popular and make fools of themselves trying to get with the "in" crowd. You know the type, they were in most teeny bopper movies in the 80s and often later. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin and I'm confident that I haven't fit into a category since my days as a metalhead. I'm just me, that's all and I want to stay myself, thank you very much.
In the historical sense, they evolved from and somewhat overlapped the goth and skater types of the 90s. The goth and skater types 80s counterparts were punk rockers, glam rockers and even metalheads (I was a metalhead in the late 80s) a little. Before those types were the hippie. The hippie was the first and original counter culture. Before that, you were either part of the majority or just different and there was no special box to put you in if you dared to be free thinking.
Who am I? Well, any one of those groups would consider me a poser because I maintain the ability to blend into society at the drop of a hat. Some might call me a loner, but I don't like the term loner. It implies someone who can't fit in, even if they want to, rather than someone who just doesn't see it as some all important thing. I associate trying to fit in with pathetic people who want to be popular and make fools of themselves trying to get with the "in" crowd. You know the type, they were in most teeny bopper movies in the 80s and often later. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin and I'm confident that I haven't fit into a category since my days as a metalhead. I'm just me, that's all and I want to stay myself, thank you very much.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Entitlements To Lashon Hara
One of the things that really annoys me about the Jewish is the way everyone talks about me behind my back and somehow they think I don't know. What strikes me as odd is that people I consider mere casual acquaintances somehow think they have the right to tell me how to run my life. I was discussing this with someone who actually tried to justify it. WTF??? I gave her a scenario-not exactly mine. I was at a Shabbos meal one time and the hostess asked me where else I went for Shabbos. When I mentioned a small community that I went to, she asked me if I knew someone who lived there, we'll call her Rachel. I told her I did indeed know her. She immediately spilled this woman's business to me, "she's been married for over 10 years and she doesn't have a kid yet." She didn't know how well I knew Rachel. The truth is that I was pretty good friends with Rachel at the time and I knew that she had been married a while and I saw that she didn't have a kid. However, the hostess didn't know the two of us together at all. The way she told me this seemed to assume that I didn't know. So, UM, wtf, would people have me do to Rachel? I felt uncomfortable and didn't play into her game. It didn't end there. She told me that if we all make Rachel feel bad then maybe suddenly Rachel will be able to have kids. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm WTF?
So, I tell this story to this teacher at the local Bais Yaakov and she endorses the lashon hara. She said that sometimes it's necessary for the community to pressure people for their own good. This is textbook lashon hara but yet it was being justified to me. It's personal for me because there are decisions I have made that people don't agree with and the community is ganging up on me. Being Jewish is worse than high school. I've pushed so many people out of my life because they refused to shut up with telling me how to run my life. The fact is that since I pay the consequences of my actions, I get to decide those actions. Anyway, all the little manipulation garbage from casual acquaintances in the world isn't going to change things. Oh and all of you are acquaintances. I only have one Jewish friend and she isn't doing it to me.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Who Does That?
I know that other blogs have been discussing the recent suicide of a 33 year old OTD (off the derech-no longer religious) woman. The woman chose a different path than how she had been raised and did the honorable thing of not living a lie. She divorced her husband. Most of the people posting about this are other OTDers. For me, I have a different prospective.
Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I am a convert. I was raised by a lapsed Catholic mother and my still religious grandmother. My father was brought up in a UCC (it's a vanilla type denomination) protestant church and I learned before his death that he was an atheist. Sure, we had up a Kratzmis tree and Easter eggs/basket at both houses. My mom used to go all out with the decorations. She was big on holidays in general. I just had to wear green for St Patrick's day, red for valentines and orange or a costume for Halloween.
Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. The point is that I was raised as a secular Christian, if that makes any sense. I guess it's like a Jew whose family does a seder and celebrates Chanukah, maybe throw in a Rosh Hashana meal with apples and honey. We didn't even go to Church as a family. When I became a religious Christian in middle/high school my parents always made sure I had a ride to and from Church activities. They supported this even though it wasn't how they raised me. My mother told me towards the end of her life that she thinks most religious people are fakers, that's why she didn't want to be religious. While converting, her words used to ring in my head, "if you're a Christian, you do what you do all week then on Sunday go to church like you're some kind of good person when you aren't. Jews do the same thing with Synagogue on Saturday." My mom died when I was in high school, so long before I was thinking about converting to Judaism. My dad, actually knew about my conversion. His response was that he was glad that, unlike Christianity, I wasn't trying to convert him. He was also annoyed by my requirement for kosher food, but he was fairly supportive anyhow, taking me to the grocery store so I could find what I needed for a week that I spent at home.
Anyway, the point is that they were pretty supportive of me being something other than exactly what they expected for me. What strikes me, though, is that how much I hear about the evils of LASHON HARA (evil tongue for anyone not in the know reading this, basically gossip and malicious speech) and yet, this woman's family threw so much evil speech at her. Hell, it's an open secret that this is what happens to anyone who leaves the community, especially the chasidic side and slightly more for women than men. Her own flesh and blood-her parents stood up in court to speak of how she needed to lose the very children she carried for 9 months in her very being. Her children were told horrible things about her. How can people speak lashon hara about a mother to her very children. Who does that? I mean I do know, but I can't help the exclamatory, WHO does that? Driving her with painful words and painful gestures until she commited the irreversible act... WHO does that? Yeah, I know... I know her family and her community....
Monday, September 23, 2013
Explaining the dating crisis and what to do about it
I am convinced of it. The reason why I haven't been able to find anyone and why so many people are single for too long is that consumerism has crept into dating. Men are objectifying women in a new way. People are making their lists full of every damn detail they want with no distinction between want and need and trying to hold out for something that is an idealized non existent version of their ideal. They. Will. Not. Bend. This is especially true for the men...
They decide ahead of time what she should look like, how much money she should make and how much time they want her to have available for them. These men refuse to admit that they have any flaws themselves. They refuse to find something reasonably what they want and deal with the other details through communication and compromise. "I make 70k a year and there are women that work in my office, so I should be able to get that," one man tells me. I ask, "do you know for a fact they make the same as you?" and suggest that he ask them out instead of chasing me down and simply telling me over and over again that he wants to date me but he will only do so if I'm able to find a job that pays what his pays. He also doesn't want to help me find said job. Of course, he also tells me that the women who work in is office are ugly and he won't date them because they aren't attractive enough.
I mean, if they know a guy who got a girl 20 or 30 years younger, they want that. Also, many men assume that everything is completely and totally about money-as in women only want a guy who has it. There are far more factors that I know for me will turn me off towards a guy, so guys here they are:
-Lying to me-I won't even tell you I've caught you in a lie. You lie about too much too soon, you're done.
-Insulting me. OMG who are these men that think it's a good idea to call a woman fat on a first date or give unsolicited weight loss advice, ask for her weight and so on and somehow they call for a second date? I feel like a man should bite his tongue no matter what and if he isn't interested then don't ask her out again or call her. It's pretty simple.
-prying for overly personal information before or on a first date
-making the conversation sexual early on
-not being able to tell me why you like me. There should be something there besides looks. If you can't find one single attribute or common hobby other than "I think you're pretty," why are you bothering me?
-being pushy or indicating that you think women are stupid/less than men/don't REALLY matter. I told a guy that I was on the Dean's list for 4 semesters straight and he rolled his eyes and started talking dirty to me.
-not having any sort of job whatsoever
-The arrogance of only wanting women 5 or 10 years OR MORE younger than themselves.
I'd rather have a broke guy who stuggles than a guy who doesn't work and lives off his parents
I'd rather have a guy who tells me the struggles he's faced and what's he's done to make his life better
I'd rather have a guy who tells me he accepts my flaws because he knows he's not perfect
I'd rather have a guy who tells me things about me he's noticed that he likes.
I remember back when I still lived in Buffalo, there was this construction worker I liked. I hung all over him and tried to get him to date me. He said I would never stay with him, so he didn't want to give me a chance to break his heart. He pointed out his low income, his status of blue collar and his crooked teeth. All of these things didn't matter. I just wanted someone I would feel comfortable hanging out with.... someone who was honest and sweet. I can't date someone whose IQ is so low that I can't carry on a conversation with him, but having gone to an IVY league school doesn't matter much when you sit there an insult your date, pat her hand like she's an infant and tell her, "don't worry sweetie, I'll let you talk later."
I long for the days of the simple blue collar worker who speaks to me like I'm a person and is convinced that I'm not good enough for him. Even the Blue collar Jews from Brooklyn aren't like that. I am certain that the only true answer to this problem is for Jewish mothers to raise their sons better in the first place. They don't seem to be doing a very good job now based on the experiences I've encountered.
They decide ahead of time what she should look like, how much money she should make and how much time they want her to have available for them. These men refuse to admit that they have any flaws themselves. They refuse to find something reasonably what they want and deal with the other details through communication and compromise. "I make 70k a year and there are women that work in my office, so I should be able to get that," one man tells me. I ask, "do you know for a fact they make the same as you?" and suggest that he ask them out instead of chasing me down and simply telling me over and over again that he wants to date me but he will only do so if I'm able to find a job that pays what his pays. He also doesn't want to help me find said job. Of course, he also tells me that the women who work in is office are ugly and he won't date them because they aren't attractive enough.
I mean, if they know a guy who got a girl 20 or 30 years younger, they want that. Also, many men assume that everything is completely and totally about money-as in women only want a guy who has it. There are far more factors that I know for me will turn me off towards a guy, so guys here they are:
-Lying to me-I won't even tell you I've caught you in a lie. You lie about too much too soon, you're done.
-Insulting me. OMG who are these men that think it's a good idea to call a woman fat on a first date or give unsolicited weight loss advice, ask for her weight and so on and somehow they call for a second date? I feel like a man should bite his tongue no matter what and if he isn't interested then don't ask her out again or call her. It's pretty simple.
-prying for overly personal information before or on a first date
-making the conversation sexual early on
-not being able to tell me why you like me. There should be something there besides looks. If you can't find one single attribute or common hobby other than "I think you're pretty," why are you bothering me?
-being pushy or indicating that you think women are stupid/less than men/don't REALLY matter. I told a guy that I was on the Dean's list for 4 semesters straight and he rolled his eyes and started talking dirty to me.
-not having any sort of job whatsoever
-The arrogance of only wanting women 5 or 10 years OR MORE younger than themselves.
I'd rather have a broke guy who stuggles than a guy who doesn't work and lives off his parents
I'd rather have a guy who tells me the struggles he's faced and what's he's done to make his life better
I'd rather have a guy who tells me he accepts my flaws because he knows he's not perfect
I'd rather have a guy who tells me things about me he's noticed that he likes.
I remember back when I still lived in Buffalo, there was this construction worker I liked. I hung all over him and tried to get him to date me. He said I would never stay with him, so he didn't want to give me a chance to break his heart. He pointed out his low income, his status of blue collar and his crooked teeth. All of these things didn't matter. I just wanted someone I would feel comfortable hanging out with.... someone who was honest and sweet. I can't date someone whose IQ is so low that I can't carry on a conversation with him, but having gone to an IVY league school doesn't matter much when you sit there an insult your date, pat her hand like she's an infant and tell her, "don't worry sweetie, I'll let you talk later."
I long for the days of the simple blue collar worker who speaks to me like I'm a person and is convinced that I'm not good enough for him. Even the Blue collar Jews from Brooklyn aren't like that. I am certain that the only true answer to this problem is for Jewish mothers to raise their sons better in the first place. They don't seem to be doing a very good job now based on the experiences I've encountered.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Request: A Little Something About Dating As a Convert
It was requested that I put up a post about dating as a convert. OH where to begin....
I am a cute white girl with Blonde Hair and blueish green eyes and an hourglass figure. When I go out places, men generally stare and try to talk to me. I've been, for most of my life, drooled over by men/boys. I also look substantially younger than I am. It's genetic. My mother and grandmother both looked young. My grandmother said her mother and grandmother looked young. I never expected to have a problem dating.
I've been set up with men as much as 30 years older than me on more than one occasion. One woman told me to contact a certain rabbi... because she knows he works with black and foreign men. I played it off like I didn't understand what she was getting at. I didn't date black and foreign men before my conversion and I'm not going to start now.
The set ups I've gotten have been horrible. The guys I've found on my own have been tolerable, but bad. By the time this shoots live (I'm pre-writing all of the posts and scheduling them), my post talking about the DJs date will be on the blog. That's about what my dates are like when I meet guys on my own. I get snarky little comments similar to what the DJ got. I think it's a Jewish problem. The DJ's guy was in finance and a lot of those guys can't find someone. I hear guys whining, "I don't know why I can't find anyone. I make good money." Well, women do want someone that can pay the bills when they go on maternity leave and possibly take time off to raise the kids, but it's such a turn off when a man insults you on a first date. Comments like, "I thought you'd be taller," "shouldn't you weigh 110 pounds for your height?", Explaining to a woman how to lose weight after you just complemented her body, screaming at her or the waitress, generally arrogant behavior and acting like you think you are better than her, not letting her talk, giving unsolicited advice, will piss women off.
Also, even trying to find a guy on my own, I've been disrespected as listed above. Meh, I don't need someone who's going to insult me and possibly hit me. I mean if a guy insults me on the first date, I can't much have hope that things will get BETTER. Truth be told, if a radio DJ can't meet a decent guy, why should someone like me expect to find one. The worst is the chasidim. They are really the only ones who are willing to date converts, but they just want to sleep with you and get rid of you. I put one of those in his place. He was in his 20s and kept talking dirty to me on the phone. I told him I didn't think we'd be compatible so he said that we were both in our sexual peak so it was perfect showing where his head (hahaha) was at... I simply explained to him that I actually hit my peak at about 25 and I don't have any sex drive anymore.... Um, yeah, he didn't call me again.
There's really no way around it. Matchmakers honest with me, told me the guys said they would be embarrassed and they generally want something a little more "status" than a convert. So, for those women who think they are converting to marry money, guess again. I wasn't looking for money, but I can tell you, I most assuredly dated better men and turn down better men all the time solely because they aren't Jewish. Even a conservative woman who didn't know I was a convert told me she had problems. She presumed that it's because Jewish mothers spoil their sons so much they have no incentive to cut the apron strings. I agree. I dated a divorced man, 44 living with his mom. He told me he expected a woman to basically do what his mom does: clean up after him and put a roof over his head so he can blow his earnings from work on garbage-plus sex, of course. Yeah... and this is one of the BETTER guys I've dated that I met on Frumster so not through a matchmaker.
I am a cute white girl with Blonde Hair and blueish green eyes and an hourglass figure. When I go out places, men generally stare and try to talk to me. I've been, for most of my life, drooled over by men/boys. I also look substantially younger than I am. It's genetic. My mother and grandmother both looked young. My grandmother said her mother and grandmother looked young. I never expected to have a problem dating.
I've been set up with men as much as 30 years older than me on more than one occasion. One woman told me to contact a certain rabbi... because she knows he works with black and foreign men. I played it off like I didn't understand what she was getting at. I didn't date black and foreign men before my conversion and I'm not going to start now.
The set ups I've gotten have been horrible. The guys I've found on my own have been tolerable, but bad. By the time this shoots live (I'm pre-writing all of the posts and scheduling them), my post talking about the DJs date will be on the blog. That's about what my dates are like when I meet guys on my own. I get snarky little comments similar to what the DJ got. I think it's a Jewish problem. The DJ's guy was in finance and a lot of those guys can't find someone. I hear guys whining, "I don't know why I can't find anyone. I make good money." Well, women do want someone that can pay the bills when they go on maternity leave and possibly take time off to raise the kids, but it's such a turn off when a man insults you on a first date. Comments like, "I thought you'd be taller," "shouldn't you weigh 110 pounds for your height?", Explaining to a woman how to lose weight after you just complemented her body, screaming at her or the waitress, generally arrogant behavior and acting like you think you are better than her, not letting her talk, giving unsolicited advice, will piss women off.
Also, even trying to find a guy on my own, I've been disrespected as listed above. Meh, I don't need someone who's going to insult me and possibly hit me. I mean if a guy insults me on the first date, I can't much have hope that things will get BETTER. Truth be told, if a radio DJ can't meet a decent guy, why should someone like me expect to find one. The worst is the chasidim. They are really the only ones who are willing to date converts, but they just want to sleep with you and get rid of you. I put one of those in his place. He was in his 20s and kept talking dirty to me on the phone. I told him I didn't think we'd be compatible so he said that we were both in our sexual peak so it was perfect showing where his head (hahaha) was at... I simply explained to him that I actually hit my peak at about 25 and I don't have any sex drive anymore.... Um, yeah, he didn't call me again.
There's really no way around it. Matchmakers honest with me, told me the guys said they would be embarrassed and they generally want something a little more "status" than a convert. So, for those women who think they are converting to marry money, guess again. I wasn't looking for money, but I can tell you, I most assuredly dated better men and turn down better men all the time solely because they aren't Jewish. Even a conservative woman who didn't know I was a convert told me she had problems. She presumed that it's because Jewish mothers spoil their sons so much they have no incentive to cut the apron strings. I agree. I dated a divorced man, 44 living with his mom. He told me he expected a woman to basically do what his mom does: clean up after him and put a roof over his head so he can blow his earnings from work on garbage-plus sex, of course. Yeah... and this is one of the BETTER guys I've dated that I met on Frumster so not through a matchmaker.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Dip Some Apple in Honey and Watch This Video
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Tuesday, September 3, 2013
A Radio DJ Has Date Like So Many Dates I've Had
I was listening to radio a lot lately, as I mentioned on another post. A female DJ was telling about a bad date that she had had over the weekend on Monday the 19th.... As she describes it, it went like this. She happened to be wearing kitten heels instead of high heels. She walks up to him at the start of the date and she is greeted with, "I thought you'd be taller." Ummmm, WTF is a woman supposed to say to that? Unless she lied about her height, there isn't really anything to say. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that I am under an obligation to have gravity shoving my toes forward into a cramped position to go meet some stranger.Yes, I get that most women do, but I don't. She, the DJ, brought this up when telling the story. I likely would have just said, "wellll, this is the height I am" while thinking WTF? The man continued on to talk about himself non stop on the date. Finally, he stops and says that it's his only fault and that he thinks what he has to say is just that important.
My reaction upon hearing this whole story was, "hey this sounds like my better dates!" Seriously, men, if you don't have anything nice to say, just shut up. If you think a woman is too short, then don't ask her on a second date. It's really quite simple. Oh and come up for air. Asking how you're doing is pathetic, too, by the way. We won't tell you the truth anyhow unless we are looking to leave. Men should stop and think, would you be having a good time if your date walked up and said, "I thought you'd be taller." I know that men don't want a woman who won't let them talk. We just want to meet someone that we can feel comfortable around and talk to who seems like he's not going to beat us or the kids someday and you know can pay at least half of the bills plus enough to cover for a maternity leave (because employers don't pay for that people think they do, all they do is hold your job). It's really quite sad that men can't be pleasant to be around around for an hour or two but they want to physically merge with women because they spent a whole $10 on her. I think I'd rather be picking up phones for $10 an hour than being a prostitute of sorts.
My reaction upon hearing this whole story was, "hey this sounds like my better dates!" Seriously, men, if you don't have anything nice to say, just shut up. If you think a woman is too short, then don't ask her on a second date. It's really quite simple. Oh and come up for air. Asking how you're doing is pathetic, too, by the way. We won't tell you the truth anyhow unless we are looking to leave. Men should stop and think, would you be having a good time if your date walked up and said, "I thought you'd be taller." I know that men don't want a woman who won't let them talk. We just want to meet someone that we can feel comfortable around and talk to who seems like he's not going to beat us or the kids someday and you know can pay at least half of the bills plus enough to cover for a maternity leave (because employers don't pay for that people think they do, all they do is hold your job). It's really quite sad that men can't be pleasant to be around around for an hour or two but they want to physically merge with women because they spent a whole $10 on her. I think I'd rather be picking up phones for $10 an hour than being a prostitute of sorts.
Monday, September 2, 2013
I Will Not Be Approving Nasty Comments
I just want to give the readers a heads up. I will not be approving nasty comments. I used to approve almost anything. I just put two up, defended myself then decided to delete all of this. I guess I didn't make myself clear, I was not asking for advice. That's kind of the point. I'm really F**kin sick of the unsolicited advice in the community. If I make a decision and I talk about a decision I've already made, then I don't want your advice. Oh and all the advice that you guys give, I've heard it a thousand times. I am not the sort to take advice after several people give me the same advice. I'm quite sure I said in the first post, I think outside the box and I'm proud of that fact. No, I don't give LIP SERVICE to thinking outside the box, I REALLY think outside the box. Or do you people SERIOUSLY think you are original or something... because wow you aren't.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
The Prince Charming Illusion
Everyone remind me again what year it is. Is it 1613 or 2013?
I am REALLY fed up with women constantly telling me a man should come along and fix my every problem. If I make the slightest little comment to another woman about not being able to afford something, I always hear the same thing, "maybe you'll meet a man, get married and he will make enough for you to have these things." My response is usually, "I don't make enough to pay for the dates." Then they chime in that he will pay for the dates... My experience is that men want women who have the money to get dolled up so they can parade them around. Nobody is going to pay for a woman's make up and heels on a first date. Most of the guys who have gone out with me seem to expect sex after they spent $10 on dinner. The bill comes and they start muttering about how expensive it is and they can't afford it. We are talking about dates of $20 to $30 for the full bill.
I'm burned out and jaded. On the old blog everyone came in and told me to stop dating because I was so bitter. The problem is that even if I decide to stop, the community will not stop trying to convince me to date. Does anyone actually have a prospective date with whom I want to spend my time? It was over a year ago but the last set up called to make plans for the first date, offering to take me to an expensive concert at Carnegie Hall. Before hanging up, he told me that after it, he asked if he could come over and f*ck me. Yes, he used that word. I was stunned and angry (I should know better). I just said, "no you can't." To which he whined and protested, "well why not?" Some would say, well, he's spending all that money on you, he should get IT in return, right? Who the hell asked him to spend that money on me? I surely didn't. I had no interest in going to this show, whatsoever. I was going to be going because he said he really wanted to go to it.
The "Shadchan" was self declared. She was a 20 something girl still living at home with her parents and studying in grad school. It really must be nice to have such a luxury of parents that let you live at home and be a child when you are chronologically an adult. She refused to deal with this. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that they try to sell singles on the idea of using a shadchan based on the fact that there would be an intermediary. Shouldn't an intermediary explain to this supposedly Orthodox man that when you are being arranged for marriage, you don't ask a woman over the phone before meeting her if you can f*ck her. If I wanted to be spoken to like that by men, I can very easily go into a bar in revealing clothing. Why should I tolerate this from someone I've never even met who is supposedly in the market for a woman who thinks outside the box. See, THAT was why I was told he and I were a good match. Oh and I hate to say this, but I DID get more respect when I was in my 20s and met men wearing clothing that Orthodox would not consider tznius.
Anyway, the point is that if I feel my life is better without the options I have for male companionship, I should be able to make that decision. Instead, the community keeps trying to bait and switch trick me. I don't really need to keep hearing about this hypothetical prince charming coming out of the woodwork. I'm quite realistic that a woman like me isn't going to get a RESPECTFUL age appropriate Jewish man who is also making middle class wages or better. Those men go to FFBs who come from middle class or wealthy homes and married parents. They don't go to converts who grew up below the poverty line with divorced parents and extended family members that serve as poster children for white trash. I can dream of winning the lottery more realistically than I can dream of finding a decent man for myself. Of course, if I won the lottery, I can bet prince charming would suddenly appear out of nowhere.
I am REALLY fed up with women constantly telling me a man should come along and fix my every problem. If I make the slightest little comment to another woman about not being able to afford something, I always hear the same thing, "maybe you'll meet a man, get married and he will make enough for you to have these things." My response is usually, "I don't make enough to pay for the dates." Then they chime in that he will pay for the dates... My experience is that men want women who have the money to get dolled up so they can parade them around. Nobody is going to pay for a woman's make up and heels on a first date. Most of the guys who have gone out with me seem to expect sex after they spent $10 on dinner. The bill comes and they start muttering about how expensive it is and they can't afford it. We are talking about dates of $20 to $30 for the full bill.
I'm burned out and jaded. On the old blog everyone came in and told me to stop dating because I was so bitter. The problem is that even if I decide to stop, the community will not stop trying to convince me to date. Does anyone actually have a prospective date with whom I want to spend my time? It was over a year ago but the last set up called to make plans for the first date, offering to take me to an expensive concert at Carnegie Hall. Before hanging up, he told me that after it, he asked if he could come over and f*ck me. Yes, he used that word. I was stunned and angry (I should know better). I just said, "no you can't." To which he whined and protested, "well why not?" Some would say, well, he's spending all that money on you, he should get IT in return, right? Who the hell asked him to spend that money on me? I surely didn't. I had no interest in going to this show, whatsoever. I was going to be going because he said he really wanted to go to it.
The "Shadchan" was self declared. She was a 20 something girl still living at home with her parents and studying in grad school. It really must be nice to have such a luxury of parents that let you live at home and be a child when you are chronologically an adult. She refused to deal with this. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that they try to sell singles on the idea of using a shadchan based on the fact that there would be an intermediary. Shouldn't an intermediary explain to this supposedly Orthodox man that when you are being arranged for marriage, you don't ask a woman over the phone before meeting her if you can f*ck her. If I wanted to be spoken to like that by men, I can very easily go into a bar in revealing clothing. Why should I tolerate this from someone I've never even met who is supposedly in the market for a woman who thinks outside the box. See, THAT was why I was told he and I were a good match. Oh and I hate to say this, but I DID get more respect when I was in my 20s and met men wearing clothing that Orthodox would not consider tznius.
Anyway, the point is that if I feel my life is better without the options I have for male companionship, I should be able to make that decision. Instead, the community keeps trying to bait and switch trick me. I don't really need to keep hearing about this hypothetical prince charming coming out of the woodwork. I'm quite realistic that a woman like me isn't going to get a RESPECTFUL age appropriate Jewish man who is also making middle class wages or better. Those men go to FFBs who come from middle class or wealthy homes and married parents. They don't go to converts who grew up below the poverty line with divorced parents and extended family members that serve as poster children for white trash. I can dream of winning the lottery more realistically than I can dream of finding a decent man for myself. Of course, if I won the lottery, I can bet prince charming would suddenly appear out of nowhere.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Separate From The Community...
This post is inspired by the blog: http://aztecqueen2000.blogspot.com/
Pirkei Avos teaches us not to separate ourselves from the community. I, too, am someone who is tormented by the community. Similar to AztecQueen when she started her blog, I'm not really interested in leaving the NYC area. I have also resolved to live in a certain bubble. I avoid most people like the plague. The problem isn't the actual Torah. It isn't that keeping Shabbos or Kashrus is too difficult.
The problem is with the community. I can't help but wonder what community meant when that passage was written into the Pirkei Avos. I only know what it means now.
Now this means being surrounded by groupthink in quite an extreme form. It means that when enough people in the community don't like your decisions, they will hound you and come after you. These decisions do not involve violating the Torah. How many times have we overheard or been told by members of the community, "it's just not shayich," as in that it's just not the way people do it. For example, a single person might be told that they HAVE TO wear a sheitel when they get married-make no mistake I did NOT say they have to cover their hair, I said they have to wear a sheitel. Many will give a woman a hard time for wearing a tichel or a hat with all hair tucked into it. Even while single, a woman might be told this. The excuse for this is that well hey it's just not what people do. I think an even greater issue is the pressure to marry-someone-anyone for a woman is even more telling. We even belittle single female with the designation of GIRLS. Oops, excuse me, you can be 99 years old but if you aren't married/divorced, you are to be called a girl, not a woman. No wonders why some women marry for a month and get divorced without having any kids.
See, one of the biggest problems with the community is this idea that people can tell others what to do. Also, why does it seem like the community is bossing around the women far more than the men?
Now, I'm asking the community a question, when the community is driving you nuts, when you repeatedly set up "boundaries" with your frum friends which they do not honor, what should a person do? The accepted advice is that if friends or relatives are toxic, they should be cut out. When the whole community is toxic, what would you have people do? Do you really presume that adults should tolerate the bullying that is served up courtesy of the community?
I am asking because I would like a better answer. I would like to be able to live my life my own way and make my own decisions. So, I really need a resolution as to how this can be done without going into hiding from the community.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Making It All About You, When It Isn't
The last couple weeks, I've been doing a lot of cleaning and exercising so this means that I've had the radio on quite a bit. As I was flipping through, I listened to a little discussion that got me thinking and actually had a lot to do with my putting the blog back up.
Apparently, one of the new luxury buildings in New York City has set aside some units for lower income families. I was thinking of myself and even another friend of mine and thinking that we could apply to this program. There's a catch, there's a separate entrance for the lower income people where they have to go through an alley behind the building. Apparently, the main entrance is decked out and they don't want the poor people mixing in the entry way. The DJs discussed how they didn't like that and it offended them. I'm thinking well, it kinda sucks, but they didn't have to let lower income people into the building.. then one of the DJs screaming in outrage says, "THAT'S RACIST!!!!" and the others joined him. I realized that I was on the black station.
My face contorted in annoyed look that no one was going to see because I was home alone. Racist? I'm white and I was thinking how I would be in this program for the poor people. I was thinking the other door thing would prevent me from inviting people over and pretending that I somehow actually had that kind of money. I changed the channel as I continued to analyze this. It assumes that no blacks have money and no whites are ever poor. Oprah Winfrey would disagree. I would disagree. Plain and simple, don't make it about race, when it isn't.
Apparently, one of the new luxury buildings in New York City has set aside some units for lower income families. I was thinking of myself and even another friend of mine and thinking that we could apply to this program. There's a catch, there's a separate entrance for the lower income people where they have to go through an alley behind the building. Apparently, the main entrance is decked out and they don't want the poor people mixing in the entry way. The DJs discussed how they didn't like that and it offended them. I'm thinking well, it kinda sucks, but they didn't have to let lower income people into the building.. then one of the DJs screaming in outrage says, "THAT'S RACIST!!!!" and the others joined him. I realized that I was on the black station.
My face contorted in annoyed look that no one was going to see because I was home alone. Racist? I'm white and I was thinking how I would be in this program for the poor people. I was thinking the other door thing would prevent me from inviting people over and pretending that I somehow actually had that kind of money. I changed the channel as I continued to analyze this. It assumes that no blacks have money and no whites are ever poor. Oprah Winfrey would disagree. I would disagree. Plain and simple, don't make it about race, when it isn't.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Miley Cyrus... yeah I'm going there... and she went there
Former child star Miley Cyrus shocked the world this week through her performance at the VMAs. I'm thinking most of you have seen the videos. Sure, it was gross and classless, but personally, my reaction was also a bit-YAWN. I mean former female child star acting slutty so she can shed her kid skin from the public and move on to an adult career, yeah you're right we've NEVER seen someone do that before (cough Xtina, Britney cough and probably a ton more women cough cough) and a celeb trying to get attention through the performance in a major (ish) event... cough cough Janet Jackson and wardrobe cough Madonna kissing Britney.... A woman dancing raunchy in bikini? cough beach bars cough strip clubs.... as for comparing her TO a stripper... um it's been at least a decade that the only difference between female pop stars and strippers is the bank account size...
On this one the bullshit meter only goes off at the fact that people actually feel the need to chime in and say this. My reaction was to roll my eyes... another celeb up to celeb antic... whatevs... but since it's a hot topic all over the internet, I thought I'd throw my take up on the new blog.
On this one the bullshit meter only goes off at the fact that people actually feel the need to chime in and say this. My reaction was to roll my eyes... another celeb up to celeb antic... whatevs... but since it's a hot topic all over the internet, I thought I'd throw my take up on the new blog.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
I'm BACK-my reintroduction
Many of you know me from the old Michaltastik blog that I used to have. I shut it down because of a lot of negative feedback that I was receiving. It's not that I'm some sort of wimp who's not had a hard ship and can't deal. I'm quite the opposite. There is a quote floating around Facebook, that Johnny Depp made, "People cry, not because they're weak, but because they've been strong for too long." For me, this is strikingly true. I live in a middle class area and interact with white middle class Jews. They don't understand hardship. They are taught as a child that good things happen to good people and bad happen when you are bad. This is quite far from truth. Plain and simple, some people are lucky and some aren't.
So, anyhow, I'm back. I'm not here to make friends, though I don't mind kindred spirits and did meet one of those through my blog last time. From the comments that I received in person during my last blog's run, some people seemed to think I was or am DESPERATE for friends. Perhaps, there might be some truth to that only in the fact that it wraps itself around true friendship vs Facebook friend running buddy types. I have plenty of the latter. It is the former of which I find a shortage. As one of the rarest personality types still carrying the effects of a tumultuous childhood from 30 years or so ago and interacting with persons who have-by my standards-never seen to have had a real problem, I find that someone who seems to truly get me is a bit of a diamond in the rough. I accept life for what it is, but I only hope that through my blog I can inspire people to really think about things in the world around them.
So, come along and be inspired by my unique perspective on things. Dare to inspect the box with me and truly entertain the option of being outside of it once in a while. Stop for one second, to question that sometimes, the kool aid is laced with something and you most certainly should not drink it. Give your bullshit meter a tune up as mine makes some noise reacting to what is around me. However, if you aren't interested in challenging your mind, you should probably stay away.
--Thanks, Michaltastik (It's all one word.. it's like I'm so phantastik that half of phantastik had to jump on to the end of my name)
So, anyhow, I'm back. I'm not here to make friends, though I don't mind kindred spirits and did meet one of those through my blog last time. From the comments that I received in person during my last blog's run, some people seemed to think I was or am DESPERATE for friends. Perhaps, there might be some truth to that only in the fact that it wraps itself around true friendship vs Facebook friend running buddy types. I have plenty of the latter. It is the former of which I find a shortage. As one of the rarest personality types still carrying the effects of a tumultuous childhood from 30 years or so ago and interacting with persons who have-by my standards-never seen to have had a real problem, I find that someone who seems to truly get me is a bit of a diamond in the rough. I accept life for what it is, but I only hope that through my blog I can inspire people to really think about things in the world around them.
So, come along and be inspired by my unique perspective on things. Dare to inspect the box with me and truly entertain the option of being outside of it once in a while. Stop for one second, to question that sometimes, the kool aid is laced with something and you most certainly should not drink it. Give your bullshit meter a tune up as mine makes some noise reacting to what is around me. However, if you aren't interested in challenging your mind, you should probably stay away.
--Thanks, Michaltastik (It's all one word.. it's like I'm so phantastik that half of phantastik had to jump on to the end of my name)
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