The Problem With These Older Men

I'm really sick of older-I mean way older-men hitting on me. The matchmakers always take their side saying they want to have kids or they want what they are attracted to. If men want kids, they shouldn't wait until they are 50 to worry about this. I hear men my age arrogantly tell me that they are going to wait until they are older and then date younger women. I don't have a single wrinkle on me. I don't have a single gray hair. I've inspected. Most of my friends are a couple years younger than I am. They are ALL starting to gray already. Looking younger than you are is actually something that runs in my family. If I were a liar, like everyone tells me to be, I could easily say I'm 28 and date men my own age. However, I wouldn't want to start a relationship off on a lie like that.

As for the argument that men make that they need to date women they are attracted to, so it doesn't matter that I'm not? What narks me even more that they will chase down a girl that doesn't want them, push themselves on her and after she caves and dates them, they will get mad that she doesn't like them and is using them for their money or "You make me feel like an ATM." Men will say to women, "don't you want a man who is attracted to you?" I guess men don't want a woman who is attracted to them from what I have seen. Personally, I want to gag at the thought of being with someone who looks like a grandfather to me.

rant out

Thanksgivukkah

What am I thankful this Thanksgivukkah? First and foremost, I'm thankful for a roof over my head. I'm thankful for friends of mine, in particular M-who understands how I feel about everything and we enjoy hanging out watching a movie or whatever, S-who is ALWAYS there when I want someone to talk to, and T-my friend from elementary school who really gets some of the unspeakable things I've been through.

What are you thankful for this year?

A New Way To Look At the Agunah problem...

So, I've thought about what an agunah is and how they become one, the Torah creating this ill and the set up of the current get and its system. I've actually thought about this for a while. Back in maybe 2008, I discussed this with a woman friendly kollel wife and then her husband came home and we added him to our discussion.

The idea is when a man marries a woman the katubbah is a commitment to provide all these things to her. It's a one sided contract. The woman does not sign it or anything for that matter. Then when a man is tired of his wife, the Torah dictates that instead of just kicking her out, he has to write up a letter and send her on her way. It seems like from the verse that this was so she could try to go get a new man as men would have feared sleeping with a married woman and having the husband show up to beat him up or whatever. At no point does a woman actually sign anything saying she will cook and clean for him, men just assume that part. At no point does a woman sign over the rights to her body for sex at his whim. All of these things are assumed but not in any contract.

The get is essentially the man buying out of what he signs-the katubbah... so my argument is that first off, the katubbah isn't a valid contract. Even from one law class, I know that a contract contains: offer, consideration and acceptance. This is nothing more than a written offer. There is no consideration or acceptance that makes it onto paper. It is all assumed. Furthermore, if a man doesn't hold up his end of the offer, it seems to me the whole contract should be null and void.

So we asked the husband about this. His response was that the contract isn't valid, so calling it null and void doesn't matter, it's never an enforceable contract in the first place. Ow, my forehead hurts as my palm just went flying into it.... So, if the contract isn't a contract, why do women need another contract to get out of it? What are the women "getting out of" since they never sign away any rights on paper? I mean with a state marriage contract, both men and women are expected to only have sex with each other and figure out their bills and kids together. Both parties have obligations and both parties can initiate divorce. Nevertheless, in the Jewish marriage, actually only a man obligates himself to provide for a woman and their children. In reading the passage about the get, it sounds like it's a courtesy to women so that they can find someone else without the new man fearing repercussions. However, the Torah states unequivocally for men to give this document. Nowhere does it refer to it as a nice thing to do or an option. The Torah communicates it as necessary as keeping Shabbos.... so take that boys!

Parenting: age inappropriate expectations

I know. I know. I don't have kids of my own. However, I watch parents and have noticed this one. I just stumbled across this article on Anger. It discusses anger in response to a kid failing to meet expectations that are just totally wrong for their age and development. Again, I'm not a parent so I'm sure some of you think I don't have the right to have an opinion about this or be blogging about it. I did, however, have a parent that I mostly lived with who was this sort of parent. Thankfully, my mother was a good parent and she was a phone call away. Also, I was more neglected than yelled at for not living up to crazy standards.

In the article, the mother states that she wouldn't have any of her mother's “touchy-feely, psychological nonsense,” and that, “Children must be obedient without prizes, charts or notebooks.” Honestly, to some extent that might be true, especially for an older child. My mother didn't reward me for meeting expectations. She took privileges away when I didn't. Also, maybe I was a freak, but I really wanted to make my mother happy with me. I wanted to make the Honor Roll because she told me all the time that she wanted me to and thought that I could. There were no prizes for this.

The article mentions that often these children/teenagers, "turn to addictions for soothing, since a computer, chocolate or alcohol will never be angry, rejecting or disappointing.." It's probably good that I am only addicted to chocolate and not drugs or alcohol. Most of the rest of the article deals with anger, which is important to deal with, but my point in this blog post was to shed light on expecting kids to act as is appropriate for an older child could damage them. Sometimes, they need to be cut some slack. Again, I'm not a parent but I think many parents would agree with me. In the most extreme, you wouldn't expect a 6 month old to toilet train themselves. You wouldn't expect a 5 year old to go out and support themselves and leave home or even cook their own meals and be left home alone overnight. I mean normal people wouldn't at least. The article touches on more gray areas like how much a child should be spilling before it's ok to yell at them for it. Actually, even grown ups spill. What about a child not falling asleep right away? Well, when a friend of mine and her kids came for Shabbos and her youngest wasn't asleep, I spoke up, "look you don't have to fall asleep, you just have to be quiet and not bother your sister and you can only come out here if you have to go to the bathroom." Well, of course she fell asleep. Her mother, my friend, complimented me for being able to see the solution. Well, I'm also a cheater. I was restless not wanting to go to sleep and that was what my mom told me. Usually it worked, though I remember her catching me reading a book with a flashlight behind my bed so the light wouldn't wake my sister a couple times.... not what she had in mind...

There is a line between being overly permissive and unrealistic expectations and one would want to walk somewhere in the middle. Yeah, well easier said than done, but it's something to think about.

Hipsters

In classic ADHD style, I just ended up on an internet tangent. What started out as me checking my Email, landed in my looking up the definition for hipster. I mean, I watch "Two Broke Girls" and Max throws out the term all the time in her frustration with customers. Nevertheless, I wondered what really is it? Well, it seems that it's what I would call a village type because in NYC, when you go into the village this is the type that you see. It is the modern day hippie, a mainstream counter culture of like minded individuals who shun cliches but only in favor of their own sub culture, thus becoming a bit of a cliche. I would not be a hipster because I'm too much of an individual to fit into some sort of category like that. Contrary to popular belief, I don't see hipsters living off their parents. I see them having parents who are pissed that they didn't become a doctor, lawyer, investment banker or otherwise successful cliche career like their siblings. I had a study group in college with a girl in it who I would suspect of being a hipster. She was a bartender. I can see them being graphic designers and tattoo artists. I'll bet some work as coffee place baristas and computer nerds.

In the historical sense, they evolved from and somewhat overlapped the goth and skater types of the 90s. The goth and skater types 80s counterparts were punk rockers, glam rockers and even metalheads (I was a metalhead in the late 80s) a little. Before those types were the hippie. The hippie was the first and original counter culture. Before that, you were either part of the majority or just different and there was no special box to put you in if you dared to be free thinking.

Who am I? Well, any one of those groups would consider me a poser because I maintain the ability to blend into society at the drop of a hat. Some might call me a loner, but I don't like the term loner. It implies someone who can't fit in, even if they want to, rather than someone who just doesn't see it as some all important thing. I associate trying to fit in with pathetic people who want to be popular and make fools of themselves trying to get with the "in" crowd. You know the type, they were in most teeny bopper movies in the 80s and often later. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin and I'm confident that I haven't fit into a category since my days as a metalhead. I'm just me, that's all and I want to stay myself, thank you very much.

Entitlements To Lashon Hara

One of the things that really annoys me about the Jewish is the way everyone talks about me behind my back and somehow they think I don't know. What strikes me as odd is that people I consider mere casual acquaintances somehow think they have the right to tell me how to run my life. I was discussing this with someone who actually tried to justify it. WTF??? I gave her a scenario-not exactly mine. I was at a Shabbos meal one time and the hostess asked me where else I went for Shabbos. When I mentioned a small community that I went to, she asked me if I knew someone who lived there, we'll call her Rachel. I told her I did indeed know her. She immediately spilled this woman's business to me, "she's been married for over 10 years and she doesn't have a kid yet." She didn't know how well I knew Rachel. The truth is that I was pretty good friends with Rachel at the time and I knew that she had been married a while and I saw that she didn't have a kid. However, the hostess didn't know the two of us together at all. The way she told me this seemed to assume that I didn't know. So, UM, wtf, would people have me do to Rachel? I felt uncomfortable and didn't play into her game. It didn't end there. She told me that if we all make Rachel feel bad then maybe suddenly Rachel will be able to have kids. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm WTF? 

So, I tell this story to this teacher at the local Bais Yaakov and she endorses the lashon hara. She said that sometimes it's necessary for the community to pressure people for their own good. This is textbook lashon hara but yet it was being justified to me. It's personal for me because there are decisions I have made that people don't agree with and the community is ganging up on me. Being Jewish is worse than high school. I've pushed so many people out of my life because they refused to shut up with telling me how to run my life. The fact is that since I pay the consequences of my actions, I get to decide those actions. Anyway, all the little manipulation garbage from casual acquaintances in the world isn't going to change things. Oh and all of you are acquaintances. I only have one Jewish friend and she isn't doing it to me.

Who Does That?

I know that other blogs have been discussing the recent suicide of a 33 year old OTD (off the derech-no longer religious) woman. The woman chose a different path than how she had been raised and did the honorable thing of not living a lie. She divorced her husband. Most of the people posting about this are other OTDers. For me, I have a different prospective.

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I am a convert. I was raised by a lapsed Catholic mother and my still religious grandmother. My father was brought up in a UCC (it's a vanilla type denomination) protestant church and I learned before his death that he was an atheist. Sure, we had up a Kratzmis tree and Easter eggs/basket at both houses. My mom used to go all out with the decorations. She was big on holidays in general. I just had to wear green for St Patrick's day, red for valentines and orange or a costume for Halloween. 

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. The point is that I was raised as a secular Christian, if that makes any sense. I guess it's like a Jew whose family does a seder and celebrates Chanukah, maybe throw in a Rosh Hashana meal with apples and honey. We didn't even go to Church as a family. When I became a religious Christian in middle/high school my parents always made sure I had a ride to and from Church activities. They supported this even though it wasn't how they raised me. My mother told me towards the end of her life that she thinks most religious people are fakers, that's why she didn't want to be religious. While converting, her words used to ring in my head, "if you're a Christian, you do what you do all week then on Sunday go to church like you're some kind of good person when you aren't. Jews do the same thing with Synagogue on Saturday." My mom died when I was in high school, so long before I was thinking about converting to Judaism. My dad, actually knew about my conversion. His response was that he was glad that, unlike Christianity, I wasn't trying to convert him. He was also annoyed by my requirement for kosher food, but he was fairly supportive anyhow, taking me to the grocery store so I could find what I needed for a week that I spent at home. 

Anyway, the point is that they were pretty supportive of me being something other than exactly what they expected for me. What strikes me, though, is that how much I hear about the evils of LASHON HARA (evil tongue for anyone not in the know reading this, basically gossip and malicious speech) and yet, this woman's family threw so much evil speech at her. Hell, it's an open secret that this is what happens to anyone who leaves the community, especially the chasidic side and slightly more for women than men. Her own flesh and blood-her parents stood up in court to speak of how she needed to lose the very children she carried for 9 months in her very being. Her children were told horrible things about her. How can people speak lashon hara about a mother to her very children. Who does that? I mean I do know, but I can't help the exclamatory, WHO does that? Driving her with painful words and painful gestures until she commited the irreversible act... WHO does that? Yeah, I know... I know her family and her community....