Gender issues come young in the Orthodox world

Ok, so I had an interesting encounter yesterday. I was at someone's house and she wasn't necessarily in the room most of the time. They were mamisha frummies. For starters, I was explaining the invisible monsters  called germs that get on your hands to her four year old. He told me, "it's not in the Toy-rah, no such thing." Great... Later on when the two older boys came in from school (note to gentiles who may not be aware, the all-boys Jewish schools meet on Sundays), the four-year had a friend over, who was a girl. She asked the older boys, what they did today. They said, "learning." She said, "what did you learn?" They snickered at her and said they learned TOY-RAH. Poor girl, didn't have a clue. She probably came from a Modern Orthodox home.

These boys learn quick and young to have disdain for the fairer gender. I saw it first hand.

More about bribing kids... read an article over Shabbos

So, I have a friend, an older lady who gets the Bina magazines her friend has already read and when she has read them, she passes them to me. So, she gave me one on Thursday and excitedly tells me that there's a story in there about a convert. However, my eyes land on another golden article that is on the cover and featured inside; "Buy Now, Pay Later-The price of parenting via bribery" p.38 of the January 26, 2009 edition of the Binah magazine.

The author is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has seen is over and over again. A parent is frustrated trying to get the kids to do what the kids needs to be doing. A highlight from the article is, "when a parent employs bribery, the message is, 'you may choose to do what I ask, but only if I pay you to do so.' "

A forgotten little nugget came to my mind as I read this article. I grew up in an apartment with my divorced mother and my widowed grandmother. My grandmother used to offer to pay me to do the dishes. Although, the dishes weren't really my chore at my mother's house. My chore was taking out the garbage, which I did on either my skateboard or a sled, weather dependant. My mother used to get so upset about this. In the end, though, it wasn't my chore and I knew my grandmother just wanted to see me doing more chores so, since she couldn't tell me what to do, as she wasn't my mother. I would tell my mom, "gram just wants me doing more. She's right, but, I'll take her money." In the end, my mother would tell me to go away and gram would pay me for doing dishes I didn't do.... I'm chuckling now writing this.

I was too little to reach the sink and I would get water ALLLLLLLLLLLL over the kitchen. It was with good reason my mother wasn't assigning me this chore. Actually, I used to set the table, too. However, it was done by whoever wandered in hungry and curious when dinner was.... "not yet, but, ya wanna set the table to keep your mind off the food?" my mother would say with an enthusiastic smile.... to which I would usually reply, "sure, why not?"

Continuing on with the article, the author points out that when a parent does this, kids are very enthusiastic at first but this wanes off as they start to decide what they are doing is not worth the work. Another problem is that they ask for continual renegotiations for more money. A thought I had, that the authors hints at without saying, if there are other children they might say, well if he gets paid to make his bed, I'm not making mine unless I get paid. Also, the author suggests that when a child is paid to do their chores, they should not get paid if they don't do them. I was thinking that while reading the article. Thus, they stand to lose by not doing what they are supposed to, making clear this is not an OPTION, even though I'm paying you for it. There are consequences if you don't do this.

The author suggests working with a human's natural instinct for approval, particularly from parents.

The author of the article in Bina's name is Simcha Ribowsky LCSW in Brooklyn 718-252-2078.

Co-ed sex ed in Jewish schools

I was Emailed this link by a blogreader and asked what I think of the article.

Oy!

I'm a generation Xer, even without being religious, I'm from a generation that still has a tiny bit of understanding about men and women and girls and boys remaining seperate. When I was younger, there weren't male and female roommates. Guess what else? In my public school, we didn't really have a sex ed class. We discussed some of it in health and some in gym. Those were co-ed classes but, seriously this seems like it's way out on the left wing, even for Modern Orthodox. Although, Modern Orthodox in Manhattan is a step to the left past MO in Brooklyn and Queens.

I know of a beis din for conversion that told an acquaintance of mine that they wouldn't convert her if that's where she put her kids.

Leave your children in the dust, it's kollel or bust!

I was just reading this post where a kollel type whines that some are asked to leave kollel to go get a job. He feels kollel families are of a higher caliber and should be exempt from paying tuition for their children's schooling.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just sit around and do whatever we want and not have to worry about working!

If they tell stay-at-home moms they have to leave in order to work, then why shouldn’t fathers have to work? Having a mother at home with young children is surely better than the local Mexican lady watching the kids, don’t you think?

I always find it amusing that people who are SOOOOOOOO worried about their milk being tainted with pig’s milk by anti-semites that they keep cholav yis, yet they leave their children and kitchens unwatched and in the care of antisemitic babysitters.

Why can’t the men get a job like receptionist that would afford them significant down time where they can learn at their desks? I know, yes, there is a stereotype that this is woman’s work. Maybe we need to get over those stereotypes already.

Related posts:
http://www.michaltastik.com/2009/05/in-goyish-world-children-are-future.html
and
http://www.michaltastik.com/2009/04/controversy-ahead-who-should-work-in.html

In the goyish world, children are the future

I don't know what they think in the Jewish world. It seems to me like they expect men in kollel to be the future and they are the only ones who count in the Jewish world sometimes. At least, they are always trying to pressure people into sending their money there.

Yet here I am reading in the Yated, a teacher who hasn't been paid since February wrote in to ask the public to reallocate their charity spending to the Yeshivas and Beis Yaakovs.

Don't get me wrong. I've heard about this phenomenon before. I hear all time about how most of the schools don't pay on time. For those who read the post I put up before: Frustrated in Far Rockaway, a woman is frustrated that single teachers get engaged to Lakewood guys and get married mid-school year leaving their students in the dust with a sign, "Lakewood or bust!" This woman was concerned it's disruptive to the students psychologically for them to have so many teachers leave like this.

I had intended to post a follow up preposition. Why not have teachers sign a contract that they will stay for the full school year, with penalty of a fine taken out of their final pay check if they don't complete the year. Well, now you can see this is not exactly very threatening when they've become accustomed to working on a volunteer basis.

Now, I am not a teacher. I don't have kids and I'm not even married. Perhaps, I am no one to comment on this. I can't help but think that the children, not the adults, should be considered our future. This is why they pay public school teachers more. They figure they will pay them more to attract better teachers. This in turn is supposed to help the children.

Additionally, one might consider that most of these teachers are supporting kollel husbands on this measly pay that they don't even get paid. So, these yeshiva bochurim that we place above our children are being punished by this, as well.

Leaving their students in the dust, with a sign "Lakewood or bust!"

From the Yated: Frustrated in Far Rockaway.. "readers write" section on Page 6 and 116:

A woman writes in because she is seeing that unmarried teachers find their bashert and leave in the middle of the school year. I agree. I, myself, know of a situation where a girl got married and left in the middle of the school year. It seems that these girls are always marrying boys from Lakewood.

The solution that Frustrated in Far Rockaway sees is for the chosson to learn in her area until the school year ends and then go back to Lakewood. I would like to add another possiblity. Perhaps, they can postpone marriage until the end of the year.

I've already blogged about how I feel about kollel.

Frustrated in Far Rockaway, I applaud you for saying that children matter more than learning adults. Adults should be able to adapt without disrupting children's lives, not the other way around. I like another thing this woman says. She points out the friends and distractions in kollel. I'm so happy that someone besides me realizes that maybe these men are socializing sometimes rather that really sitting and learning ALLLLLLLLLL day.

This woman hopes that the rabbis would realize how disruptive this is for the kallahs students and begin to speak against it. As you can see, I agree with her wholeheartedly.

CONTROVERSY AHEAD: who should work in a family?

I'm very strict with my Judaism and most of my friends are Yeshivish. However, I don't think I could be considered yeshivish because I'm anti-kollel. I think to have the wife work so that the man can learn and then get this super low-end child care is selfish. The children should come first.

One income is ok, when it's the woman's, so that the man can LEARN. However, when it's the man's, I'm a villain for thinking I should be home with the children. A friend of mine, kollel wife, told me, "well men are obligated to learn Torah and women aren't."

The reality is no one is obligated to learn. All of this comes from the Shema's obligation to teach your children and that really ends up being the woman more than the man, anyhow.... So, the obligation should actually fall more on the woman than the man. However, DUH, that's what we have rabbis for. We learn the basics and go to them when we need something.

The solution is not for the woman to learn, either.

One needs to be knowledgeable enough to raise children and teach them, live observantly themselves, not memorize and digest the whole Talmud. I mean if you can read the whole Talmud one half hour-one page a day in seven years. Plus, the average Jewish IQ is supposed be 115, not the 105 or so average for the reg population which should make it even easier for people to grasp those necessary basics without extended study.... daf yomi and a class here and there should be acceptable for everyday Jewish life. One can consult with rabbis and take refresher classes for the other things that come up. Don'tcha think?

When people in their 60's and 70's were my age this is how it was. Masses were not told to learn full time at the expense of the kids. People worked. If they studied Gemara once a week regularly, that was a lot. They went to rabbis with their questions. Also, they didn't have all this "chumrah of the week" schtus. That's the real reason for so much learning, "keeping up with the Cohens" is about being frummer than the next guy and adding on chumrah after chumrah to "outfrum" your neighbor.

Learning full time should be for those who become rabbis. For others, perhaps they could learn full time during the summers when they are in college. If there was demand for this, the programs would sprout up. I can understand learning full time for a year or two after high school. However, I think the current situation is more than less idealic. The first obligation of the Torah is to be fruitful and multiply. We should be using more resources towards the next generation. Donations should be focused on day schools and kiruv schools that take in former public school kids. Learning full time should be recognized for what it is, a luxury that poor people should not feel pressured to attain when it's not realistically feasible.

Furthermore, when the mothers are working full time but the father's are not, the day care options are not so great. At least if both father and mother work full time, they can afford a higher quality substitute for a mother's love.

Now, should Hashem be so kind as to send me that special someone, it's not that I want spend my hours bathing a baby and changing poopy diapers, attempting to cook supper while constantly interrupted by some crisis with the kids. It's more like, I have seen the nannies up close and personally and it's not pretty.