shidduch crisis = spoiled brat crisis

Much discussion has been made about the shidduch crisis and what causes it on this blog, other blogs, amongst the rabbis and lay persons alike. I would like to propose that the shidduch crisis is a direct result from the trend from mommies spoiling their little brats.

Everyone says that most of the singles don't really wanna get married. They say they want to get married, but can't find anyone because this is a good way to get friends, family members and random nosy and intrusive Jews to shut up. Why should they want to get married, though? They are usually living with their parents. They are paying little to no rent and doing little to nothing of the sweating of running a household. They might get mad at me and tell me, "I help out!" I'm sure they do. However, helping mommy is not the same as all of it being your responsibility. Besides which, parents today are not raising their kids with the mountain of chores of yesteryear. I'll be honest. I didn't spend full days on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, as my mother and grandmother did. They had no choice. Their mothers required it of them. My grandmother told me a time or two that she had tons of chores and her parents and older siblings were outrageously mean to her. She married the first guy that asked her to get out of there. She was lucky that she married a good man. Many of her friends married to go from the frying pan to the fire.

This supposition I make gains ground if you think about the fact that there is not a shidduch problem in the chasidic community. If I'm right, of course there wouldn't be. These women have so many kids. I recently heard of a woman with TWENTY-THREE kids... oh and they tell me she still looks like a ballerina. In these families like this, the older siblings are raising the younger siblings. I know a boy who was raised, as he tells me not chasidic, litvish. However, I've seen his childhood pictures. He and his brothers sport peyos and his mom had 12 kids. That sounds chasidic to me. What's my point? Well, he also tells me that he was changing diapers at age 9. Soooo, seriously not spoiled! If you talk to one of these families in Kew Gardens Hills or Flatbush, they will tell you that their boys need to learn and only the girls can help out but, they can't because they have.... whatever is the Orthodox equivalent to soccer practice and dance class for girls. They are busy having a life that mommy gave them the priviledge of having.

Jews can do the crime but, not the time....

I am ever increasingly SICK and TIRED of people Emailing me and FB inviting me to rally behind Jewish CRIMINALS, like Rubaskin. Someone, I can't figure out who, set me up with an invite on Facebook to a prayer service for him.

"THERE IS NO GREATER MITZVAH THAN PIDYON SHVUYIM (Redemption of Captives)


—RAMBAM ‘ הלכות מתנות לעניים פרק ח‘ הלכה י"
 
Are these people for real? Yep, the goyim did it. It's all the goyim's fault. Do you sense my sarcasm? There are far too many Jews who somehow think that they are priviledged to be above the rest of the population. The Torah commands us to be preists among the nations. Jews have forgotten this. Yes, I said "Jews" not "we"... Remember? I'm not a REAL Jew, as I'm often reminded.

More about bribing kids... read an article over Shabbos

So, I have a friend, an older lady who gets the Bina magazines her friend has already read and when she has read them, she passes them to me. So, she gave me one on Thursday and excitedly tells me that there's a story in there about a convert. However, my eyes land on another golden article that is on the cover and featured inside; "Buy Now, Pay Later-The price of parenting via bribery" p.38 of the January 26, 2009 edition of the Binah magazine.

The author is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has seen is over and over again. A parent is frustrated trying to get the kids to do what the kids needs to be doing. A highlight from the article is, "when a parent employs bribery, the message is, 'you may choose to do what I ask, but only if I pay you to do so.' "

A forgotten little nugget came to my mind as I read this article. I grew up in an apartment with my divorced mother and my widowed grandmother. My grandmother used to offer to pay me to do the dishes. Although, the dishes weren't really my chore at my mother's house. My chore was taking out the garbage, which I did on either my skateboard or a sled, weather dependant. My mother used to get so upset about this. In the end, though, it wasn't my chore and I knew my grandmother just wanted to see me doing more chores so, since she couldn't tell me what to do, as she wasn't my mother. I would tell my mom, "gram just wants me doing more. She's right, but, I'll take her money." In the end, my mother would tell me to go away and gram would pay me for doing dishes I didn't do.... I'm chuckling now writing this.

I was too little to reach the sink and I would get water ALLLLLLLLLLLL over the kitchen. It was with good reason my mother wasn't assigning me this chore. Actually, I used to set the table, too. However, it was done by whoever wandered in hungry and curious when dinner was.... "not yet, but, ya wanna set the table to keep your mind off the food?" my mother would say with an enthusiastic smile.... to which I would usually reply, "sure, why not?"

Continuing on with the article, the author points out that when a parent does this, kids are very enthusiastic at first but this wanes off as they start to decide what they are doing is not worth the work. Another problem is that they ask for continual renegotiations for more money. A thought I had, that the authors hints at without saying, if there are other children they might say, well if he gets paid to make his bed, I'm not making mine unless I get paid. Also, the author suggests that when a child is paid to do their chores, they should not get paid if they don't do them. I was thinking that while reading the article. Thus, they stand to lose by not doing what they are supposed to, making clear this is not an OPTION, even though I'm paying you for it. There are consequences if you don't do this.

The author suggests working with a human's natural instinct for approval, particularly from parents.

The author of the article in Bina's name is Simcha Ribowsky LCSW in Brooklyn 718-252-2078.

If I make Crack, should I sue Arm & Hammer?

Hahahah, made you open the link, didn't I? Well, can you believe that someone actually had the nerve to do this?

It's in my business law book. I'm reading along... boring... boring... yep, more boring stuff...  then I see someone sued Arm & Hammer and I wondered why. WOOOOOOOW! This guy, George Ward got locked up for distributing this combination. So, he decided to sue. Incidentally, he represented himself.. hmmmm.. don't they say that only a fool represents himself?

I never knew crack was BAKING SODA mixed with coke. It's odd that it should smell so bad. Baking soda is supposed to make things smell fresh... thinking back to 5th grade science... not when you burn it but crack is worse than just burning baking soda. For those who haven't been blessed with squalid poverty that lends itself to your relocation to such a place where you learn this. Crack smells like @$$ crack and burning garbage combined. It's quite a rancid smell.

Did Hashem intend Jews to expect the world to revolve around them?

There's been a theme going on in my Jewish reading.... First I get an Email that had been through the gamut of FFB after FFB forwarding it to their friends... I should call the congress on behalf of RUBASHKIN... UM, NO, how about NOT. Then I read this article online. The trend seems to be clear to be as cutthroat as possible and not to care about anyone else, even other Jews, in the process.... It just seems counter-Torah to me... hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what do you all think?

Co-ed sex ed in Jewish schools

I was Emailed this link by a blogreader and asked what I think of the article.

Oy!

I'm a generation Xer, even without being religious, I'm from a generation that still has a tiny bit of understanding about men and women and girls and boys remaining seperate. When I was younger, there weren't male and female roommates. Guess what else? In my public school, we didn't really have a sex ed class. We discussed some of it in health and some in gym. Those were co-ed classes but, seriously this seems like it's way out on the left wing, even for Modern Orthodox. Although, Modern Orthodox in Manhattan is a step to the left past MO in Brooklyn and Queens.

I know of a beis din for conversion that told an acquaintance of mine that they wouldn't convert her if that's where she put her kids.

I hate keynesian economics... I really do

I know what you are thinking...... this is another case of a student not liking a class that might be hard... no, it's not that. I assure you. Besides, Corporate Finance is the bane of my existence, not Macro.

Keynsian economics are part of macroeconomics. Based on John Manyard Keynes' theories, this is, put simply, a model of how the government tries to push the masses into to spending themselves into debt so that the United States can boast a higher GDP. Don't worry, the government pitches in themselves and they are the frontrunner in the debt-racking up race.

Personally, I find it to be a childish shirking of responsibilities for some shallow outdoing of one's peers. Is it really going to kill us if we don't have the highest GDP one year? Isn't more important to pay down the debt? In the process, we pay more and more interest in that debt that the government racks up.

 In general, I think the goverment dollars are spents on whims of the politicians. They sign off to give government dollars to this and that special interest group, you know, whatever group belongs to the guy with whom, they play golf and  frequent the titty bars. Maybe, the lobbyist just adds some dead presidents to their pockets, instead. Either way, it's all about the politicians whims churning their way into the aggregate this and the aggregate that. Everyone's corrupt and being in the land of the free only means we're better off than living elsewhere but, there is no country where one can escape the politics.

Finally, if you don't believe me, listen this guy. He points out that no one follows keynsian economics but the government. Well, the government is the most poorly managed entity out there and everyone knows it.

Macroeconomics meets Michaltastik.com

I've been insanely busy this semester and I haven't had a chance to blog about anything I'm learning directly in class or side conversations from class. Now, Passover has passed over (har-har) and I have a minute to breathe (breathe-now back to the grindstone....) Actually, I was commenting on my friend's FB status and I went off on a tangent that crossed over to a side conversation from my Macroeconomics today.

The original status was: Just saw a woman customer use her foodstamp card to purchase an iced coffee at 7/11! That's not ok. 3 hours ago

My response.....
I didn't read all the comments but, how do you know she was paying with FS? You're not allowed to buy prepared foods with it. 7-11 likely has a system that would make that impossible. However, sometimes the clerks work around stuff by punching it up as a grocery item. Usually a guy behind the counter will do stuff like that for a cute girl.

Also, one can use the same card and be spending cash off it. I bet you didnt' know that.

I also want to mention, what if your parents changed the locks on you and you didn't have the Jewish community. What the hell would you do? What if you didn't do anything wrong? Not everyone can live at home after they are 21. The world is a harsh one and the gov't officials each steal more than any one person on benefits gets. They take all kinds of bribes to quietly pass all kinds of legislation that hurt the citizens. Many of these legislations take jobs away from workers with no or little skills. That drives up the competition for the remaining jobs, thereby lowering the wages relatively, as inflation sets in and wages fail to keep up.

Do men and women need to have the same level of education level to be compatible?

The question was posed over on the END THE MADNESS board. I thought it was an interesting one. I'm posting my submission here. It may or may not go up on his board. He likes to reject submissions.

The interesting thing about this was that when our parents were marrying, women often didn't have college. My mother was above the norm because she went to a business school and worked in an office. From that generation and older, you find men with REALLY high education levels married to women of little or no education. Nowadays, however, men with a PhD want a woman with a PhD. I feel like I surely won't find anyone until I at least get my bachelor's, possibly my master's. At which point, I might have to worry about fertility issues.
Personally, I find it interesting that divorces rates skyrocketed as women left the home in favor of the workforce and these women became more educated. When there were great gaps, the divorce rate was much lower.

Last April, I was looking at a Frumster profile of a guy that I thought was perfect for me. I actually stared at this profile for a good ten/twenty minutes debating if I should send to him. I didn't contact him because he has a PhD and I figured he would turn me down because I don't even have a bachelor's at my age. Men don't even stop to consider that I may have had an unusually rough life that prevented me from finishing my degree. Right or wrong, this has become the reality of the criterion from men when they are looking for a marriage partner.

A message to single men looking for arm candy as wives...

A man can only marry a woman that he can atttract. So, a man can not just wait and wait and wait for a frum version of Pamela Anderson or whatever "image" they want. Over and over again men turn down REALLY attractive girls saying that she is not pretty enough. I've heard this from a shadchan but, I'm not one bit surprised. I haven't even gotten a date from Frumster, I've only spoken to TWO guys on the phone from Frumster. I got a whopping ONE date from SYAS and talked to one addtional man on the phone that I didn't like.  I'm not ugly, by any stretch. I was beating men off me with a stick before I converted.

Frum men have become spoiled and picky. All they ever say is, "that's nice but, what else you got?" I know they tell you men that you're competitive but, this isn't a freakin competition. This is finding someone you feel comfortable with. I'm sick of this, "well I'm ONLY attracted to..." crap. Yeah, I don't buy it. You're looking for a woman who will make a good mother to your children, not a supermodel. FIX your priorities already!

Double standard

No, I'm not talking about male chauvinism. I'm talking about the double standard that there is one set of rules for the Jews from birth and another set of rules for the converts.

I passed by an Orthodox high school today and witnessed some of their girls leaving. There were two clusters of three friends that I saw. All six girls were wearing tight jean skirts above the knee. One was wearing a skirt with a slit that went way up the back. The most disgusting thing I saw, though, was that one of the groups of girls was flirting with each other. This included a girl grabbing onto the behind of another one of the girl.

So, I blink the wrong way and I have to listen comments about "bas yisrael" doesn't do this or that but, they grab each others touchas? Some guy asked me for my phone number at Kosher Delight a couple weeks ago. He called my phone incessantly while I was eating. After I ate, I met up with him, supposedly we were going to go for coffee but, he stood there on the street asking me the usual, who do you eat by? where do you daven? I told him I didn't think I was right for him. So, he tells me my skirt was too short. Well, how can that be, when all my skirts are longer than what the FFB girls are wearing?

I'm really sick and tired of this double standard. I saw these girls walk out of an Orthodox school, so the excuse people make that, "they must be BTs and this is where they are at," doesn't work.

Leave your children in the dust, it's kollel or bust!

I was just reading this post where a kollel type whines that some are asked to leave kollel to go get a job. He feels kollel families are of a higher caliber and should be exempt from paying tuition for their children's schooling.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just sit around and do whatever we want and not have to worry about working!

If they tell stay-at-home moms they have to leave in order to work, then why shouldn’t fathers have to work? Having a mother at home with young children is surely better than the local Mexican lady watching the kids, don’t you think?

I always find it amusing that people who are SOOOOOOOO worried about their milk being tainted with pig’s milk by anti-semites that they keep cholav yis, yet they leave their children and kitchens unwatched and in the care of antisemitic babysitters.

Why can’t the men get a job like receptionist that would afford them significant down time where they can learn at their desks? I know, yes, there is a stereotype that this is woman’s work. Maybe we need to get over those stereotypes already.

Related posts:
http://www.michaltastik.com/2009/05/in-goyish-world-children-are-future.html
and
http://www.michaltastik.com/2009/04/controversy-ahead-who-should-work-in.html

The All-American Priorities

Well, that's the problem. In the All-American way of life, priorities and prioritizing what's most important is a no-no. Don't you know? You're supposed to believe that you can have it all.

For the woman, she must have a career and a family at the same time. No one is allowed to admit if they can't handle both. For All-American frum families, no one wants to admit that men should work instead of learn full time. No one wants to admit, that maybe, just maybe you can't afford camp or Pesach in Florida. People argue about how these are necessities in child rearing.

I grew up in a bubble where these things didn't phase my mother. I went to camp ONCE because my mother got me in on need type grant. Most summers, I was home, running around in the neighborhood to my various friends houses who were also home. Maybe it's because we all weren't Jewish. Maybe it's because I was too poor. I was happy and never felt like I was losing anything.

Let me ask those of you out there, what is so bad about saying, we can and can't afford this and that? I have time for this and that? This is most important, this is what I care about. I don't care about that as much as this.

I think if the rabbis should exhibit greatness, they should demand this of the Jewish Nation and those converting into it.

Frum-o-nomics?

http://matzav.com/frum-jews-and-our-life-of-financial-impossibility

I just read this article, thanks to Harry over at Emes Ve Emunah... I'm putting my comments here in case they don't approve them....

#25,
They try to find them a better a job if they can. That's what "working with them" means. I know someone who asked for a scholarship and the rabbis got the housewife a job. Then they gave them scholarship. They refused until she was working.

#10 and Responses to #10: There are numbers between 2 and 7.

Another advantage to making the kollel system smaller is that people should be encouraged to give their tzedakah to schools for the children, not the kollels.

#30- I know so many girls who graduated college and made salaries and got jobs that were not indicative of their degrees. However, some of them eventually did get better jobs. When you don't have a degree, you're more likely to get stuck. Without a degree, I was stuck with many temp agency jobs. I'm now going back for my degree. There are too many jobs I can't even apply for because they want a degree.

36-She's a therapist, right?

40-you forgot about the fancy sheitels...

55-state colleges are cheaper than yeshivah tuition, not to mention there is financial for your bachelor's degree.

One final note where I emphasize that adults should be adults not children (parents shouldn't be supporting their adult children):
Dismiss for this-go ahead, but, I am a convert and I remember one of my pastors discussing that parents shouldn't support their married children. He pointed out that a "man shall LEAVE his father and mother and cleave unto his wife."

A married child has not truly left if their parents are paying everything. It was recently told to me by a frum girl that at least 90% of the marrieds are supported. Goyim do help their kids, too, but generally it's in the way of a lot of free babysitting and some money here and there. It's not to this degree. Also, goyim marry after the bachelor's, not at 18. As a result they are living at home when they are in college and if parents can't pay college, they take out loans.

In the goyish world, children are the future

I don't know what they think in the Jewish world. It seems to me like they expect men in kollel to be the future and they are the only ones who count in the Jewish world sometimes. At least, they are always trying to pressure people into sending their money there.

Yet here I am reading in the Yated, a teacher who hasn't been paid since February wrote in to ask the public to reallocate their charity spending to the Yeshivas and Beis Yaakovs.

Don't get me wrong. I've heard about this phenomenon before. I hear all time about how most of the schools don't pay on time. For those who read the post I put up before: Frustrated in Far Rockaway, a woman is frustrated that single teachers get engaged to Lakewood guys and get married mid-school year leaving their students in the dust with a sign, "Lakewood or bust!" This woman was concerned it's disruptive to the students psychologically for them to have so many teachers leave like this.

I had intended to post a follow up preposition. Why not have teachers sign a contract that they will stay for the full school year, with penalty of a fine taken out of their final pay check if they don't complete the year. Well, now you can see this is not exactly very threatening when they've become accustomed to working on a volunteer basis.

Now, I am not a teacher. I don't have kids and I'm not even married. Perhaps, I am no one to comment on this. I can't help but think that the children, not the adults, should be considered our future. This is why they pay public school teachers more. They figure they will pay them more to attract better teachers. This in turn is supposed to help the children.

Additionally, one might consider that most of these teachers are supporting kollel husbands on this measly pay that they don't even get paid. So, these yeshiva bochurim that we place above our children are being punished by this, as well.

beef on American shallowness

This started as a post I was putting in the Yeshivah World News coffee room about Purim costumes and if they are tznius or not, it morphed into more and I decided to put it here.




The goyim use their holiday in October for the women to dress inappropiately and just say it was a costume. I don't see the big deal if it's low key. Last year I was a ketchup bottle. I'm sure the people who object to costumes, would flip out because I was wearing red. However that's really the only issue. I only wore it at the shul and really I took the hat off because it kept falling off. The "hat" was an upside down funnel, painted red and had a "Heintz 57" label on it. It was pointy so it was really Purim-ish.

As for one other thing about tznius, I'm sick of hearing about how it's hard for men to handle looking at women. They need to get self-control.

That's a major issue in America today. NO ONE seems to value self-control or hard work. It's all instant, plastic, McNOW and "What do you do? Do you have a good enough job?" Everybody is so shallow. I wish I could say observant Jews were above this. Unfortunately, I don't think that's accurate...