7 Items of Shabbos/Yontiff Ettiquette

I thought I would take a little break from my kitchen flipping to write a bit about bad Shabbos/Yontiff guests. I was actually inspired by a post I recently saw on another blog about bad Shabbos guests. I have some of my own experiences about guests as both a hostess and a guest who sees other guests doing something.


Guests:

1. Show up. Why do I even have to say this? I have had people that I invited over and they just didn’t show up. You can’t call on Shabbos, so unless something major comes up, you should show up. “I decided to stay home and eat with my grandmother,” is not a good excuse. If you wanted to eat with your grandmother, you shouldn’t have booked a meal with me. I’m waiting for you, even if you told me not to.

2. Be on time. Not as bad as “show up” but, still, if you show up and the meal has already started, chances are, we waited for you and you are REALLY late. A word about when on time is… On Friday night if, a time is not specified, figure 45 minutes to an hour after candle lighting. For lunch, you should daven where the host davens and come straight from shul or at least come straight from your shul. I’ve heard of people going home after shul to take a nap before showing up at the meal. Come on people!

3. Don’t bring food into the host’s bedroom or living room. Some people don’t eat in their bedrooms or living rooms-respect that. I had a girl bring cookies into my bedroom about a month or two before Pesach one year. Even if Pesach wasn’t coming, it’s rude.

4. Table manners: eat with your mouth closed, don’t smack your food or drink or don’t blow your nose at the table.

5. The Jewish religion, while it does encourage hospitality, is not a religion of pity. A BT told me one time that people should invite her because it’s a religion.

6. Don’t harass the other guests. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been a guest and someone else who is a guest crosses a line. This past fall, I had a woman who asked me why I wasn’t at the home of my own family, why was I there.

7. If you can’t remember the hosts name, ask or don’t use it. You’ll look like an idiot if you keep calling her by a different name every time you address her-all of which are not her name. The woman who inspires #6 is the one that did this.



The above actions will cause someone to not be invited again at my house and others would probably not invite someone back.

Shabbos hospitality for men only... RETHINK!!!

I have noticed that men get Shabbos hospitality so easily. Furthermore, when people do have me over, it seems it's only to make me feel like crap for it. I've gotten comments about how I should learn to cook. I know how to cook, but previously, I didn't want to sit alone for 24 hours straight. After all the nastiness I've encountered under the false pretenses of "friend" and "help," I've decided I'm only going away for an occasional Shabbos and only to a small selection of people. I've also gotten comments about how I should just get take-out or "when you move to Brooklyn, you can get take out for Shabbos." I can get take out now. So wtf kind of comment is that, anyhow?

How could people think they are being "helpful" when they sit there and ask me question upon question about what I do to try to get married? Excuse me, who the hell says I want to get married and even if I do, where do you get off making this your problem all Shabbos?

So, ok, this was way back on the second to the last Shabbos in October. Why is Michal mad about it again? I'll tell you why. Because I just went into my YouTube to play some background music and I see there's a new Frum Satire video and then I clicked on a couple related links. Well, I get to the one where he was at someone's house and they tell him the food was frozen for six months. Anyhow, isn't that always how it is? The men get to go to this one and that one's house and they are made to feel WELCOMED. I know of two other single guys, ok one just got married, mazel tov, who go all over the place to this one and that one and when I mention that I have trouble, they don't understand.

All these people who state that the Orthodox Jewry is not sexist, I don't know how they can say this. According to the Torah, men are supposed to look for the woman that has their rib. That's right, the rib was taken from the man. The woman was formed with HIS rib and he has to go looking for whichever she out there that has his rib.

Cranky. I'm very cranky this morning.

Shabbos in Lakewood posts rearranged themselves

I put motzei Shabbos up before Shabbos in Lakewood. Now, they are reversed. I guess because they both went up at 1:57pm. I already put the pictures on the posts so, just read them in the order they are meant to be read in... Sorry.

The ride to my Shabbos in Lakewood (moved post)

So, I went to Lakewood for the very first time this past Shabbos. It was great. I went to stay with a friend of mine who is also the daughter of some friends/people I work for.

I left on Friday for the Port Authority bus terminal in Manhattan. I bought my ticket and went to the gate. To my surprise, there was a bus just about to leave. I was the last one onto the bus. There were few empty seats and most of them were next to men. I got to the very back of the bus where there were five seats in a row. There were McDonald’s bags of garbage strew over two empty seats with a female sitting on one end of the empty seats. Jackpot! I pushed the bags over and the man on the other side of the empty seats cursed me out and told me to seat elsewhere. I said, “There’s no other seats.” He stated that there were. I said, “no there’s not, I’m sitting here.” He huffily pushed the McDonald’s bags onto the floor.

I started to worry that I was on the wrong bus as I didn’t find any buses on my schedule leaving at the time we were leaving. The girl next to me ( who, by the way looked frum) told me that I was fine, phew. I pulled out some Hamodias from the week and started to read the paper. I offered one to the girl. She declined.

I came across an article in the Hamodia that made me tear up. In the 18 Sivan 5769 issue which has fall foliage and a lake on the cover, this was on page 8, “Questions & Answers.” The woman writes in that her husband is a ger and talmid chacham. Rabbo Zecharya Greenwald writes back mentioning gerim having to hide this fact is serious condemnation of our society.

I was looking through some other articles and I fell asleep on the Hamodia magazine.

As we were getting closer, people started getting off the bus. The frum girl from next to me got off and I worried that I missed my stop. I went up to the front and double-checked with the driver. We were in Lakewood on our way to the terminal.

Eruv Shabbos in Lakewood

When I got to Lakewood, I was looking for information for this connection that was supposed to take me by my friend’s house. There I was at the Lakewood bus terminal and I didn’t want to bother them to pick me up. There was supposed to be a bus to take me right near where they lived. I looked and discovered that said bus didn’t come for almost an hour. Great! I was surrounded by the type of people you would expect to see in a bus terminal. I mean, I’ve been around people like that. However, here I was dressed “Jewish” in Lakewood and I heard some whispers about, “there’s one of them…”

Then I realized there was a new dilemma, how was I going to pay for the other ride? I don’t think they’re going to take cash on the bus and there didn’t seem to be a ticket window or information booth inside. There was one Jewish guy there with his kippah on. So, I asked him for advice. He didn’t know but, he offered to drive me when his daughter came. I was thinking to myself, “what if his daughter doesn’t want to take me?” Well, if I can’t figure it out, I guess I could I could call my friend and ask her to come get me. I didn’t want to do that though, because people don’t always have an extra few minutes for something like that right before Shabbos. I’m not so sure that I would.

So, the bus pulled up and the driver got off and closed the doors to the bus. “I’m sorry, can I just ask you a quick question?” Well, everyone in the terminal came over to help, including a security lady. So, while the driver slipped off to, I assume, his break, the security lady showed me the pay-yourself machines inside and told me to get a one-zone ticket.

Phew! I bought my ticket and turned around to catch the bus. A girl (obviously Orthodox) came up to me, “do you need a ride?”

So, I found out that this man was there to pick up his daughter. I had assumed that he had come in on one of the buses for Shabbos and was waiting for his daughter who lived in Lakewood to come get him. Instead, they lived in Lakewood and she had gone away to see some friends and was coming back in time for Shabbos at home. These kind people will probably never know how much their kindness meant to me.

You see, when I picked out my Jewish neighborhood, I didn’t pick so well. Where I live, the handful of religious families cluster together and the rest of us who are singles without a family are left in the dark. People ask me all the time, “you don’t have a family in your area to go to for Shabbos?” I do not. Instead, I go away for Shabbos almost every single week. If I don’t go away, I cook some food for myself and eat by myself. The only other option is to walk about two miles or more for hospitality. Mind you, I live in a Jewish community. In fact, the shul I attend sometimes when I’m home is four tenths of a mile from me.

So, anyway, that’s enough of that venting. These kind people took me to my friend’s house. I received the warmest welcome from my friend, “thank you so much for coming! I’m so happy to have you for Shabbos. Let me show you to the guest area…” I got ready for Shabbos. I went to look for my friend and saw her husband but not her. So, I went back to the guest room for a little bit.

Shabbos in Lakewood

We lit candles and she was to tell me later the story of why she lights an extra candle- later. Shabbos with her was wonderful and the food was wonderful. For Friday night dinner we had gefilte fish, soup, potato kugel and chicken. I think there was broccoli, too. It was a pretty standard Shabbos menu. For dessert we had chocolate chip cake. I heard from her husband that there would be a bris and an aufruf in shul the next day. After dinner, my friend and I were chatting until after midnight.

The next day, her five, almost six year old led me to the shul. I saw women outside a door and figured out that was my door (ya, think?). There didn’t seem to be any siddurim in the women’s section with an English translation. Well, I was in Lakewood. So, I had to make do with all Hebrew. I’m capable of doing so but, there are some spots where I normally switch over to English, not that day.

After shul, there was an extensive Kiddush. The women’s Kiddush area was packed. I noticed that the children and women were all dressed extra frummy. There was a lot of black, some grey, some brown and very few bright colors. I did see three girls in red dresses with white flowers, though. I also saw a little boy that looked Chassidic. I snagged a seat on the side and waited for the Kiddush to clear out enough to get to it without tripped over too many people. The woman sitting next to me offered me some mezoynoys from a serving tray she had on the other side of her. “You haven’t had anything, here have some.” Again, there was such kindness from a fellow yid.

When they brought some potato kugel to the Kiddush, I gave in. I waded the Kiddush table crowd which turned out to be little girls between 8 and 12 or so standing there eating right in front of the table instead of moving away from it to let others in. It’s so typical at kiddushes that people stand right in front of the table so no one else can get to it.

When I got some food and drink, I went to find a seat, as the one I had been in was now taken. Just as I sank into a chair, my friend’s husband found me, “are you ready to go?” I was to finish my food and meet him outside the shul. Right after he left his son came up. Again, I was going to finish this food and meet them on the shul’s back porch.

When I was finished, I waited for the two of them who came up one by one. We walked back. My friend hadn’t davened yet so I got to see the kid’s playroom. I was not starving after that oily and tasty Kiddush potato kugel and sugary cakes and cookies.

For lunch, we had gefilte fish, chulent, lunch meat, potato kugel and some more stuff. Again, the menu was a very standard Shabbos menu. I didn’t eat dessert. I was tired and so, I bensched and went off to nap.

I woke up around 5pm and no one was around so I went back to the guest room. I found out later she was at the neighbor’s and didn’t want to wake me. We had a nice late shalosh seudos with dairy: ice cream, yummy! Her husband was off to shul and then we hung out chatting until he came back to make havdalah.

Motzei Shabbos in Lakewood

After Havdalah, she showed me around the house and I took pictures of some of her Judaica and Chotchkies (spelling?). I finally heard the story of the extra candle. The family was on their way from New Jersey to Brooklyn one cold erev Shabbos. They got caught in some awful traffic and made it to a hotel right at skiah so, she missed lighting that Shabbos. There’s more to the story, but that’s the short version.

I stayed through until the next morning. I showed my friend how to make eggs over easy. She did not know this. This was like the first thing I ever learned to cook. After breakfast, my friend drove me to the bus station. On the bus ride back, I met a woman also from Lakewood. However, I looked her up and she doesn’t live near my friend.

Shabbos in Lakewood: The ride there....

Sorry, I moved this post so that people can read the story in order. I didn't delete it because there are comments on the post.

A Cherry Gut Shabbos To You

I was inspired to blog about my "cherry" good Shabbos at Shabbos lunch. For both of my meals, the hosting family had cherries. I thought it was an interesting coincidence to which I thought I might add blogtivity.

I went to stay with one of the girls from my Yahoo discussion group who lives in Brooklyn. She arranged that we should go with her friends to some people for Friday night dinner. At the table were a grandmother, her husband, her math-hating 13-year old grandaughter, another woman and the four of us guests.

On Shabbos day, we headed out on a 40 minute trek across Brooklyn to our lunch hosts. We actually gave ourselves an hour so we had to kill some time before we arrived respectably early. This lunch hostess was also the step-daughter of another one of the members in the discussion group.

She invited us in and introduced her daughters. I took the names of her daughters and used puns to turn it into a sort of song. I like to play with words like that. She showed us to the living room and the comfy couches. Her son bounced in and curled up next to me as if he had known me for years. It was cute. One of the her daughters had a situation with one her dolls. Apparently, the foot broke on Shabbos and she was sad.

Soon after we were swooped over to the table to eat lunch. There was no gefilte fish :- ( Although, I kinda expected that since this woman's step mother teases me that I'm mamish a Jewish newbie for liking gefilte fish. There was a wide selection of salads for the "fish" course. It was particularily familiar to me as she has the same dishes as two other people I know. She also served the super secret salad dressing (ketchup/mayonaise-I heard it whispered once, ketchonaise?) Somewhere shortly after starting to eat, we discovered that she knows the wife of one of my rabbis. Well, the food was good... moving on...

We took Ocean Parkway back to my friend's place. We stopped a sat on benches intermittenly to watch the passers-by. I enjoyed the Jewish flavor of that Brooklyn stretch.

When we returned to her place for a stop, her roommate exclaimed as we came in the door, "that's so weird! I just had this weird feeling you were about to come back." It's interesting, as my friend tells me that she is normally out all day on Shabbos.

I tried to convince my friend of the need for a Shabbos nap. Oy, vey did I try to convince her! However, she dragged me back out. At least I had changed my top and put sneakers on. I needed sneakers to go "Africa far" as she put it. We were off to the bay to look at the water. My right sneaker was pinching my foot the whole way there. While there, I carefully slipped out of my sneaker leaving it on the ground, so as to not pick it up eruv-less. I discovered a giant sock wad. So, the walk back was much less painful.

When we returned, we chatted with her roommate for a bit. She was dying to hear my story. Then, I managed to get some of that coveted Shabbos nap I wanted so badly. I made havdalah for the three of us with my friend's brand new havdalah set which she purchased for the special occasion of her first Shabbos guest.