7 Items of Shabbos/Yontiff Ettiquette

I thought I would take a little break from my kitchen flipping to write a bit about bad Shabbos/Yontiff guests. I was actually inspired by a post I recently saw on another blog about bad Shabbos guests. I have some of my own experiences about guests as both a hostess and a guest who sees other guests doing something.


Guests:

1. Show up. Why do I even have to say this? I have had people that I invited over and they just didn’t show up. You can’t call on Shabbos, so unless something major comes up, you should show up. “I decided to stay home and eat with my grandmother,” is not a good excuse. If you wanted to eat with your grandmother, you shouldn’t have booked a meal with me. I’m waiting for you, even if you told me not to.

2. Be on time. Not as bad as “show up” but, still, if you show up and the meal has already started, chances are, we waited for you and you are REALLY late. A word about when on time is… On Friday night if, a time is not specified, figure 45 minutes to an hour after candle lighting. For lunch, you should daven where the host davens and come straight from shul or at least come straight from your shul. I’ve heard of people going home after shul to take a nap before showing up at the meal. Come on people!

3. Don’t bring food into the host’s bedroom or living room. Some people don’t eat in their bedrooms or living rooms-respect that. I had a girl bring cookies into my bedroom about a month or two before Pesach one year. Even if Pesach wasn’t coming, it’s rude.

4. Table manners: eat with your mouth closed, don’t smack your food or drink or don’t blow your nose at the table.

5. The Jewish religion, while it does encourage hospitality, is not a religion of pity. A BT told me one time that people should invite her because it’s a religion.

6. Don’t harass the other guests. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been a guest and someone else who is a guest crosses a line. This past fall, I had a woman who asked me why I wasn’t at the home of my own family, why was I there.

7. If you can’t remember the hosts name, ask or don’t use it. You’ll look like an idiot if you keep calling her by a different name every time you address her-all of which are not her name. The woman who inspires #6 is the one that did this.



The above actions will cause someone to not be invited again at my house and others would probably not invite someone back.

Culture shock for the convert: Jewish nosiness

So, in my Yahoo group for women converts/conversion candidates we're discussing how people who are Jewish from birth ask things so freely that we would never in a million years think of asking. Another thing we were discussing is how people ask (especially Jews of color but, even caucasians like myself), "how are you Jewish? You don't look Jewish." Well, along comes one of the readers of this blog on to my Facebook page-dafka I moved from this discusion to check my Facebook and there it was-the comment.

You see, I went horsey riding with 7 other girls from the Hillel at my college and I put up pictures. Right there, under the group picture was a comment asking if we were actually Jewish. Why? It just so happens that many on the trip were Jews of color or Sephardic. Now, culturally, the way I was raised, I would never do such a thing. The person should have at the least messaged me and asked me. It's funny though, by the time I saw the comment, there was already a comment from one of the girls, but one of the "cliche Jewish look" girls from the trip. I suppose having friends in this situation, they learn their friends' plight. It's good to see.

Obnoxious questions don't a shidduch make...

Friday afternoon while I was on my way to where I was going for Shabbos, I got a
shidduch call from shadchan. She gave the guy my number and he called me
immediately. (Incidentally, what is with people arranging a shidduch within two
hours of Shabbos, seems innappropriate to me.)

When this guy called me, he wanted to know everything right there on the phone.
Excuse my ignorance, but isn't a guy supposed to check my references instead of
ask me questions? Furthermore, he kept asking me REPEATEDLY what families I eat
by in my own neighborhood and I told him, I go away for Shabbos.

Is there some rule that if people in your own neighborhood don't host meals for
people that I'm not observant or something? Someone thinks that he wants to see
if I know how to prepare for Shabbos. However, it seems to me that the answers
to these questions don't indicate anything. I know conversion candidates and
"BT's" who eat by people but, don't keep anything at home and don't know how to
make a Shabbos. The only way someone knows how to make Shabbos, is if they host
people themself. The bulk of Shabbos preparation comes with the cooking.

Live your own life, please

I would just like to take a minute to vent about the way everyone in the Orthodox Jewish world feels they have the right to butt into my life. What does it matter to them if I've been on a date in the last month or not? Not to mention, they should do some research into shidduchim and it's history.


Shadchans are only supposed to be suggesting matches that are compatible. If I tell them I don't have a TV and I want to cover my hair and rarely with a sheitel, their response is to set me up with a guy who wants a TV and wife who doesn't cover. In fact two different shadchans have tried to set me up with this same guy. I found his Facebook profile, he's looking for "random play" and he is Conservative. They think that a gyoress should be put with someone who sleeps around. Save those other guys for the good little FFBs.

So, ok, fine, I didn't have to convert, so why should I get anyone decent? Fine, I got it. However, then let me decide to stay single. Are you kidding me? We can't do that! Now that I'm Jewish, everyone can tell me what to do. I don't tell them how to live their lives, I wish they wouldn't tell me what to do with mine. It's that simple.