From my old stand up routine

Originally posted 12/14/08

Some of it had to be edited out, either because it has to be performed or because it wasn't appropriate for someone who's become a religious Jewish girl to post....
I have to warn you up front…. I may be a little hyper tonight… I you see… I…. um…. Well… I couldn’t find my Ritalin before I came.
Guys and their bad pick up lines crack me up. I’m at the Laundromat folding a sheet. This guy asked me if I was going to Atlanta. Yes, because they only use sheets in Atlanta, so, if I’m folding one, I must be going there…. imagine look-90 percent perplexed, 10 percent annoyed.
This guy sent me several Emails asking me to call him because he said he was too technically-challenged for Email. But, he was able to send those Emails. He said he needed help. But, hey, I’m blonde, I couldn’t possibly figure out what he was up to.
Some advice to the ladies: When guys ask where your father is, they are about to run game on you. They want to make sure he’s not around to have your back. I like to tell them, “don’t worry about where he is. I was in the Army and I know how to shoot an M16. It's me you have to worry about.” At which point they usually walk away. Some who are particularly dumb, don't get it and I walk away.
Or how about when you're walking down the street at night and the men drive real slow next to you? "I have your license plate number and I'm calling the cops." ZOOOOM, they take off.
For the Latin crowd: Don’t you love when white people try to speak Spanish? Yo hablo es-pan-olo The "H" in "hablo" of course being pronounced.
I may be a cracker…. But I’m not a boring WHITE cracker…. Like a saltine…. A chez-it is much more accurate choice. Since I’m a cheesy cracker myself.