From my old stand up routine

Originally posted 12/14/08

Some of it had to be edited out, either because it has to be performed or because it wasn't appropriate for someone who's become a religious Jewish girl to post....
I have to warn you up front…. I may be a little hyper tonight… I you see… I…. um…. Well… I couldn’t find my Ritalin before I came.
Guys and their bad pick up lines crack me up. I’m at the Laundromat folding a sheet. This guy asked me if I was going to Atlanta. Yes, because they only use sheets in Atlanta, so, if I’m folding one, I must be going there…. imagine look-90 percent perplexed, 10 percent annoyed.
This guy sent me several Emails asking me to call him because he said he was too technically-challenged for Email. But, he was able to send those Emails. He said he needed help. But, hey, I’m blonde, I couldn’t possibly figure out what he was up to.
Some advice to the ladies: When guys ask where your father is, they are about to run game on you. They want to make sure he’s not around to have your back. I like to tell them, “don’t worry about where he is. I was in the Army and I know how to shoot an M16. It's me you have to worry about.” At which point they usually walk away. Some who are particularly dumb, don't get it and I walk away.
Or how about when you're walking down the street at night and the men drive real slow next to you? "I have your license plate number and I'm calling the cops." ZOOOOM, they take off.
For the Latin crowd: Don’t you love when white people try to speak Spanish? Yo hablo es-pan-olo The "H" in "hablo" of course being pronounced.
I may be a cracker…. But I’m not a boring WHITE cracker…. Like a saltine…. A chez-it is much more accurate choice. Since I’m a cheesy cracker myself.

From my old stand up routine...

Some of it had to be edited out, either because it has to be performed or because it wasn't appropriate for someone who's become a religious Jewish girl to post....




I have to warn you up front…. I may be a little hyper tonight… I you see… I…. um…. Well… I couldn’t find my Ritalin before I came.



Guys and their bad pick up lines crack me up. I’m at the Laundromat folding a sheet. This guy asked me if I was going to Atlanta. Yes, because they only use sheets in Atlanta, so, if I’m folding one, I must be going there…. imagine look-90 percent perplexed, 10 percent annoyed.



This guy sent me several Emails asking me to call him because he said he was too technically-challenged for Email. But, he was able to send those Emails. But, hey, I’m blonde, I couldn’t possibly figure out what he was up to.



Some advice to the ladies: When guys ask where your father is, they are about to run game on you. They want to make sure he’s not around to have your back. I like to tell them, “don’t worry about where he is. I was in the Army and I know how to shoot an M16. It's me you have to worry about.” At which point they usually walk away. Some who are particularly dumb, don't get it and I walk away.



Or how about when you're walking down the street at night and the men drive real slow next to you? "I have your license plate number and I'm calling the cops." ZOOOOM, they take off.



For the Latin crowd: Don’t you love when white people try to speak Spanish? Yo hablo es-pan-olo The "H" in "hablo" of course being pronounced.



I may be a cracker…. But I’m not a boring WHITE cracker…. Like a saltine…. A chez-it is much more accurate choice. Since I’m a cheesy cracker myself.

What does P stand for?

So, my Marketing prof. sends out and Email containing the following:
Did you know that the water pressure throughout the US plunges during the half time show? This is true! Advertising falls under which of the 4 P's?

So, I Emailed her back, that it apparently falls under P for Plumbing.

Very corny, yes. She thought it was cute.

Perhaps, though, it falls under P for Pressure... as in water pressure... or maybe Plunges. Maybe... P is for what people do instead of watching the advertisements.

Hey, when is the superbowl and who's playing? I'm in such a bubble.

10 Funniest Synagogue Newsletter Bloopers

http://www.iheartjews.com/2009/06/10-funniest-synagogue-newsletter.html

Hat tip to my online friend Hannah for this list.

Here are our top 10.
Michal's responses are in eye-talics... that's right italics

10. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community
center. Music will follow.

...provided, of course by those who have just finished eating...

9. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
When the rabbi's away, the staff and congregants will play.

8. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Talk about a transplant!

7. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

Yeah, that's right. We want you paper trained like good little puppies....

6. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

Kol isha! However, the men will stick their fingers in their ears, "la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, lalala, la, la, la, la, la, lalala"

5. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

I thought that's what the kiddush club was for!

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

I guess this applies to men, as women are generally aware that they passed at least five pounds out of a tiny orafice.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Some juicy stuff going on at that shul....

2. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

Strip club? The men will come to watch and then stone them to death so there's no witnesses.

1. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."

And if you don't like my little comments in italics....

Nu, you wanted a Kosher Computer?

NU , you wanted a Kosher Computer..
I don't know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.

If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives--one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels"

The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.The "Start" button has been replaced with "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus".

The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

When running "scandisk", it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt"

There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that Advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5761-5762" issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?

From my old stand up routine...

Some of it had to be edited out, either because it has to be performed or because it wasn't appropriate for someone who's become a religious Jewish girl to post....



I have to warn you up front…. I may be a little hyper tonight… I you see… I…. um…. Well… I couldn’t find my Ritalin before I came.

Guys and their bad pick up lines crack me up. I’m at the Laundromat folding a sheet. This guy asked me if I was going to Atlanta. Yes, because they only use sheets in Atlanta, so, if I’m folding one, I must be going there…. imagine look-90 percent perplexed, 10 percent annoyed.

This guy sent me several Emails asking me to call him because he said he was too technically-challenged for Email. But, he was able to send those Emails. But, hey, I’m blonde, I couldn’t possibly figure out what he was up to.

Some advice to the ladies: When guys ask where your father is, they are about to run game on you. They want to make sure he’s not around to have your back. I like to tell them, “don’t worry about where he is. I was in the Army and I know how to shoot an M16. It's me you have to worry about.” At which point they usually walk away. Some who are particularly dumb, don't get it and I walk away.

Or how about when you're walking down the street at night and the men drive real slow next to you? "I have your license plate number and I'm calling the cops." ZOOOOM, they take off.

For the Latin crowd: Don’t you love when white people try to speak Spanish? Yo hablo es-pan-olo The "H" in "hablo" of course being pronounced.

I may be a cracker…. But I’m not a boring WHITE cracker…. Like a saltine…. A chez-it is much more accurate choice. Since I’m a cheesy cracker myself.