When people talk about street harassment, they talk about construction workers whistling. I don't know if I've ever endured that scenario, but what I deal with constantly, are immigrant men bothering me. Most specifically, these are men from the sorts of countries where they think women need to be punished for leaving the kitchen.
I'm here to say that if these men are not citizens of this country, they shouldn't be making life so much less pleasant for those who are. It is not our culture that I should have to marry a man I don't want and never leave the house. It is our culture that women should be free. We are turning into a third world nation and it's high time we all get angry about that. You may now have the luxury of not dealing with this because you may not live in NYC, but they are coming more and more. Soon women will not be able to leave the house without experiencing the kind of harassment that women endure in the Middle East. You think it won't come here? The Muslims are already protesting in Michigan that they want to turn the US Middle Eastern. The Mexican will support their hatred for women and women will no longer be safe. Is this what we want for our sisters, wives, daughters, granddaughters and neighbors?
Friday, August 15, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
To Be Or Not To Be-GROWN UP
I thought it would be an interesting endeavor to think about how people define what they mean when they tell people to grow up. Sometimes, via context clues, people mean coming to an understanding that being a good or bad person doesn't REALLY dictate whether good or bad things happen to you. Some people mean breaking the rules and not getting caught or not ratting out friends when they break rules. Other people define it with strict gender roles. Women are grown up when they wear make up, heels, get married and have kids. Men are grown up when they are married and paying the bills and have a mortgage.
Looking online, most people define it by taking on responsibility. It's doing what needs to be done. Therefore, if a woman has kids, but her mother in law raises the first one then the oldest raises the rest of them, how grown up is she really? Also, she's not the one paying the mortgage.
Personally, I think it's laughable that wearing heels and make up are supposed to show that a woman is grown up. It would be a whole 'nother post, but they always refer to heels and make up as "taking care of yourself." Um, heels are destructive to the feet in the long term and make up is destructive to the skin in the long term so, I don't see how that could be responsible. As for having a child, it makes you grown up if you step up to the plate, but if you have a kid and then pawn it off on others, you are not responsible, no? NO.
So what do my readers think??
Looking online, most people define it by taking on responsibility. It's doing what needs to be done. Therefore, if a woman has kids, but her mother in law raises the first one then the oldest raises the rest of them, how grown up is she really? Also, she's not the one paying the mortgage.
Personally, I think it's laughable that wearing heels and make up are supposed to show that a woman is grown up. It would be a whole 'nother post, but they always refer to heels and make up as "taking care of yourself." Um, heels are destructive to the feet in the long term and make up is destructive to the skin in the long term so, I don't see how that could be responsible. As for having a child, it makes you grown up if you step up to the plate, but if you have a kid and then pawn it off on others, you are not responsible, no? NO.
So what do my readers think??
Sunday, January 26, 2014
People Do Not MEAN WELL!!!
One of the things I find most utterly annoying about most people I talk to is that they are either delusional or nasty in that they tell you that people mean well. Really? So the Jewish community actually MEANS well with the crap that they pull?
Basically, the way it works is that multiple people come to me and give me unsolicited advice-THE SAME advice from about 10 people at once. It will be to do a certain occupation while no one offers a job or to get married usually. When I tell people over and over to back off and mind their own business, I start getting calls for bullshit at like 7am from people in the community. Really? Everyone calls to invite for Shabbos at 7am? Really everyone cancels Shabbos invites at 7am? Then I do the dumb thing of complaining to people who I mistakenly think are my friends and I'm reminded... oh yeah, no Jew is my friend. I'm sorry, but I'm not delusional enough to think people have my best interests in mind when they do these things. Even if it wasn't some sort of "punishment" to call me at an inappropriate-which I know it's supposed to be-it's selfish that people when it's convenient, not having my best interests in mind or acting like a decent human being.
Well, call all you want at 7am people. I keep my phone on silent. Also, I will know my true friends by those who admit that most humans are selfish pieces of ....
Basically, the way it works is that multiple people come to me and give me unsolicited advice-THE SAME advice from about 10 people at once. It will be to do a certain occupation while no one offers a job or to get married usually. When I tell people over and over to back off and mind their own business, I start getting calls for bullshit at like 7am from people in the community. Really? Everyone calls to invite for Shabbos at 7am? Really everyone cancels Shabbos invites at 7am? Then I do the dumb thing of complaining to people who I mistakenly think are my friends and I'm reminded... oh yeah, no Jew is my friend. I'm sorry, but I'm not delusional enough to think people have my best interests in mind when they do these things. Even if it wasn't some sort of "punishment" to call me at an inappropriate-which I know it's supposed to be-it's selfish that people when it's convenient, not having my best interests in mind or acting like a decent human being.
Well, call all you want at 7am people. I keep my phone on silent. Also, I will know my true friends by those who admit that most humans are selfish pieces of ....
Monday, December 2, 2013
The Problem With These Older Men
I'm really sick of older-I mean way older-men hitting on me. The matchmakers always take their side saying they want to have kids or they want what they are attracted to. If men want kids, they shouldn't wait until they are 50 to worry about this. I hear men my age arrogantly tell me that they are going to wait until they are older and then date younger women. I don't have a single wrinkle on me. I don't have a single gray hair. I've inspected. Most of my friends are a couple years younger than I am. They are ALL starting to gray already. Looking younger than you are is actually something that runs in my family. If I were a liar, like everyone tells me to be, I could easily say I'm 28 and date men my own age. However, I wouldn't want to start a relationship off on a lie like that.
As for the argument that men make that they need to date women they are attracted to, so it doesn't matter that I'm not? What narks me even more that they will chase down a girl that doesn't want them, push themselves on her and after she caves and dates them, they will get mad that she doesn't like them and is using them for their money or "You make me feel like an ATM." Men will say to women, "don't you want a man who is attracted to you?" I guess men don't want a woman who is attracted to them from what I have seen. Personally, I want to gag at the thought of being with someone who looks like a grandfather to me.
rant out
As for the argument that men make that they need to date women they are attracted to, so it doesn't matter that I'm not? What narks me even more that they will chase down a girl that doesn't want them, push themselves on her and after she caves and dates them, they will get mad that she doesn't like them and is using them for their money or "You make me feel like an ATM." Men will say to women, "don't you want a man who is attracted to you?" I guess men don't want a woman who is attracted to them from what I have seen. Personally, I want to gag at the thought of being with someone who looks like a grandfather to me.
rant out
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thanksgivukkah
What am I thankful this Thanksgivukkah? First and foremost, I'm thankful for a roof over my head. I'm thankful for friends of mine, in particular M-who understands how I feel about everything and we enjoy hanging out watching a movie or whatever, S-who is ALWAYS there when I want someone to talk to, and T-my friend from elementary school who really gets some of the unspeakable things I've been through.
What are you thankful for this year?
What are you thankful for this year?
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
A New Way To Look At the Agunah problem...
So, I've thought about what an agunah is and how they become one, the Torah creating this ill and the set up of the current get and its system. I've actually thought about this for a while. Back in maybe 2008, I discussed this with a woman friendly kollel wife and then her husband came home and we added him to our discussion.
The idea is when a man marries a woman the katubbah is a commitment to provide all these things to her. It's a one sided contract. The woman does not sign it or anything for that matter. Then when a man is tired of his wife, the Torah dictates that instead of just kicking her out, he has to write up a letter and send her on her way. It seems like from the verse that this was so she could try to go get a new man as men would have feared sleeping with a married woman and having the husband show up to beat him up or whatever. At no point does a woman actually sign anything saying she will cook and clean for him, men just assume that part. At no point does a woman sign over the rights to her body for sex at his whim. All of these things are assumed but not in any contract.
The get is essentially the man buying out of what he signs-the katubbah... so my argument is that first off, the katubbah isn't a valid contract. Even from one law class, I know that a contract contains: offer, consideration and acceptance. This is nothing more than a written offer. There is no consideration or acceptance that makes it onto paper. It is all assumed. Furthermore, if a man doesn't hold up his end of the offer, it seems to me the whole contract should be null and void.
So we asked the husband about this. His response was that the contract isn't valid, so calling it null and void doesn't matter, it's never an enforceable contract in the first place. Ow, my forehead hurts as my palm just went flying into it.... So, if the contract isn't a contract, why do women need another contract to get out of it? What are the women "getting out of" since they never sign away any rights on paper? I mean with a state marriage contract, both men and women are expected to only have sex with each other and figure out their bills and kids together. Both parties have obligations and both parties can initiate divorce. Nevertheless, in the Jewish marriage, actually only a man obligates himself to provide for a woman and their children. In reading the passage about the get, it sounds like it's a courtesy to women so that they can find someone else without the new man fearing repercussions. However, the Torah states unequivocally for men to give this document. Nowhere does it refer to it as a nice thing to do or an option. The Torah communicates it as necessary as keeping Shabbos.... so take that boys!
The idea is when a man marries a woman the katubbah is a commitment to provide all these things to her. It's a one sided contract. The woman does not sign it or anything for that matter. Then when a man is tired of his wife, the Torah dictates that instead of just kicking her out, he has to write up a letter and send her on her way. It seems like from the verse that this was so she could try to go get a new man as men would have feared sleeping with a married woman and having the husband show up to beat him up or whatever. At no point does a woman actually sign anything saying she will cook and clean for him, men just assume that part. At no point does a woman sign over the rights to her body for sex at his whim. All of these things are assumed but not in any contract.
The get is essentially the man buying out of what he signs-the katubbah... so my argument is that first off, the katubbah isn't a valid contract. Even from one law class, I know that a contract contains: offer, consideration and acceptance. This is nothing more than a written offer. There is no consideration or acceptance that makes it onto paper. It is all assumed. Furthermore, if a man doesn't hold up his end of the offer, it seems to me the whole contract should be null and void.
So we asked the husband about this. His response was that the contract isn't valid, so calling it null and void doesn't matter, it's never an enforceable contract in the first place. Ow, my forehead hurts as my palm just went flying into it.... So, if the contract isn't a contract, why do women need another contract to get out of it? What are the women "getting out of" since they never sign away any rights on paper? I mean with a state marriage contract, both men and women are expected to only have sex with each other and figure out their bills and kids together. Both parties have obligations and both parties can initiate divorce. Nevertheless, in the Jewish marriage, actually only a man obligates himself to provide for a woman and their children. In reading the passage about the get, it sounds like it's a courtesy to women so that they can find someone else without the new man fearing repercussions. However, the Torah states unequivocally for men to give this document. Nowhere does it refer to it as a nice thing to do or an option. The Torah communicates it as necessary as keeping Shabbos.... so take that boys!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Parenting: age inappropriate expectations
I know. I know. I don't have kids of my own. However, I watch parents and have noticed this one. I just stumbled across this article on Anger. It discusses anger in response to a kid failing to meet expectations that are just totally wrong for their age and development. Again, I'm not a parent so I'm sure some of you think I don't have the right to have an opinion about this or be blogging about it. I did, however, have a parent that I mostly lived with who was this sort of parent. Thankfully, my mother was a good parent and she was a phone call away. Also, I was more neglected than yelled at for not living up to crazy standards.
In the article, the mother states that she wouldn't have any of her mother's “touchy-feely, psychological nonsense,” and that, “Children must be obedient without prizes, charts or notebooks.” Honestly, to some extent that might be true, especially for an older child. My mother didn't reward me for meeting expectations. She took privileges away when I didn't. Also, maybe I was a freak, but I really wanted to make my mother happy with me. I wanted to make the Honor Roll because she told me all the time that she wanted me to and thought that I could. There were no prizes for this.
The article mentions that often these children/teenagers, "turn to addictions for soothing, since a computer, chocolate or alcohol will never be angry, rejecting or disappointing.." It's probably good that I am only addicted to chocolate and not drugs or alcohol. Most of the rest of the article deals with anger, which is important to deal with, but my point in this blog post was to shed light on expecting kids to act as is appropriate for an older child could damage them. Sometimes, they need to be cut some slack. Again, I'm not a parent but I think many parents would agree with me. In the most extreme, you wouldn't expect a 6 month old to toilet train themselves. You wouldn't expect a 5 year old to go out and support themselves and leave home or even cook their own meals and be left home alone overnight. I mean normal people wouldn't at least. The article touches on more gray areas like how much a child should be spilling before it's ok to yell at them for it. Actually, even grown ups spill. What about a child not falling asleep right away? Well, when a friend of mine and her kids came for Shabbos and her youngest wasn't asleep, I spoke up, "look you don't have to fall asleep, you just have to be quiet and not bother your sister and you can only come out here if you have to go to the bathroom." Well, of course she fell asleep. Her mother, my friend, complimented me for being able to see the solution. Well, I'm also a cheater. I was restless not wanting to go to sleep and that was what my mom told me. Usually it worked, though I remember her catching me reading a book with a flashlight behind my bed so the light wouldn't wake my sister a couple times.... not what she had in mind...
There is a line between being overly permissive and unrealistic expectations and one would want to walk somewhere in the middle. Yeah, well easier said than done, but it's something to think about.
In the article, the mother states that she wouldn't have any of her mother's “touchy-feely, psychological nonsense,” and that, “Children must be obedient without prizes, charts or notebooks.” Honestly, to some extent that might be true, especially for an older child. My mother didn't reward me for meeting expectations. She took privileges away when I didn't. Also, maybe I was a freak, but I really wanted to make my mother happy with me. I wanted to make the Honor Roll because she told me all the time that she wanted me to and thought that I could. There were no prizes for this.
The article mentions that often these children/teenagers, "turn to addictions for soothing, since a computer, chocolate or alcohol will never be angry, rejecting or disappointing.." It's probably good that I am only addicted to chocolate and not drugs or alcohol. Most of the rest of the article deals with anger, which is important to deal with, but my point in this blog post was to shed light on expecting kids to act as is appropriate for an older child could damage them. Sometimes, they need to be cut some slack. Again, I'm not a parent but I think many parents would agree with me. In the most extreme, you wouldn't expect a 6 month old to toilet train themselves. You wouldn't expect a 5 year old to go out and support themselves and leave home or even cook their own meals and be left home alone overnight. I mean normal people wouldn't at least. The article touches on more gray areas like how much a child should be spilling before it's ok to yell at them for it. Actually, even grown ups spill. What about a child not falling asleep right away? Well, when a friend of mine and her kids came for Shabbos and her youngest wasn't asleep, I spoke up, "look you don't have to fall asleep, you just have to be quiet and not bother your sister and you can only come out here if you have to go to the bathroom." Well, of course she fell asleep. Her mother, my friend, complimented me for being able to see the solution. Well, I'm also a cheater. I was restless not wanting to go to sleep and that was what my mom told me. Usually it worked, though I remember her catching me reading a book with a flashlight behind my bed so the light wouldn't wake my sister a couple times.... not what she had in mind...
There is a line between being overly permissive and unrealistic expectations and one would want to walk somewhere in the middle. Yeah, well easier said than done, but it's something to think about.
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