Sunday, September 29, 2013

Who Does That?

I know that other blogs have been discussing the recent suicide of a 33 year old OTD (off the derech-no longer religious) woman. The woman chose a different path than how she had been raised and did the honorable thing of not living a lie. She divorced her husband. Most of the people posting about this are other OTDers. For me, I have a different prospective.

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I am a convert. I was raised by a lapsed Catholic mother and my still religious grandmother. My father was brought up in a UCC (it's a vanilla type denomination) protestant church and I learned before his death that he was an atheist. Sure, we had up a Kratzmis tree and Easter eggs/basket at both houses. My mom used to go all out with the decorations. She was big on holidays in general. I just had to wear green for St Patrick's day, red for valentines and orange or a costume for Halloween. 

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. The point is that I was raised as a secular Christian, if that makes any sense. I guess it's like a Jew whose family does a seder and celebrates Chanukah, maybe throw in a Rosh Hashana meal with apples and honey. We didn't even go to Church as a family. When I became a religious Christian in middle/high school my parents always made sure I had a ride to and from Church activities. They supported this even though it wasn't how they raised me. My mother told me towards the end of her life that she thinks most religious people are fakers, that's why she didn't want to be religious. While converting, her words used to ring in my head, "if you're a Christian, you do what you do all week then on Sunday go to church like you're some kind of good person when you aren't. Jews do the same thing with Synagogue on Saturday." My mom died when I was in high school, so long before I was thinking about converting to Judaism. My dad, actually knew about my conversion. His response was that he was glad that, unlike Christianity, I wasn't trying to convert him. He was also annoyed by my requirement for kosher food, but he was fairly supportive anyhow, taking me to the grocery store so I could find what I needed for a week that I spent at home. 

Anyway, the point is that they were pretty supportive of me being something other than exactly what they expected for me. What strikes me, though, is that how much I hear about the evils of LASHON HARA (evil tongue for anyone not in the know reading this, basically gossip and malicious speech) and yet, this woman's family threw so much evil speech at her. Hell, it's an open secret that this is what happens to anyone who leaves the community, especially the chasidic side and slightly more for women than men. Her own flesh and blood-her parents stood up in court to speak of how she needed to lose the very children she carried for 9 months in her very being. Her children were told horrible things about her. How can people speak lashon hara about a mother to her very children. Who does that? I mean I do know, but I can't help the exclamatory, WHO does that? Driving her with painful words and painful gestures until she commited the irreversible act... WHO does that? Yeah, I know... I know her family and her community.... 

Monday, September 23, 2013

Explaining the dating crisis and what to do about it

I am convinced of it. The reason why I haven't been able to find anyone and why so many people are single for too long is that consumerism has crept into dating. Men are objectifying women in a new way. People are making their lists full of every damn detail they want with no distinction between want and need and trying to hold out for something that is an idealized non existent version of their ideal. They. Will. Not. Bend. This is especially true for the men...

They decide ahead of time what she should look like, how much money she should make and how much time they want her to have available for them. These men refuse to admit that they have any flaws themselves. They refuse to find something reasonably what they want and deal with the other details through communication and compromise. "I make 70k a year and there are women that work in my office, so I should be able to get that," one man tells me. I ask, "do you know for a fact they make the same as you?" and suggest that he ask them out instead of chasing me down and simply telling me over and over again that he wants to date me but he will only do so if I'm able to find a job that pays what his pays. He also doesn't want to help me find said job. Of course, he also tells me that the women who work in is office are ugly and he won't date them because they aren't attractive enough.

I mean, if they know a guy who got a girl 20 or 30 years younger, they want that. Also, many men assume that everything is completely and totally about money-as in women only want a guy who has it. There are far more factors that I know for me will turn me off towards a guy, so guys here they are:

-Lying to me-I won't even tell you I've caught you in a lie. You lie about too much too soon, you're done.

-Insulting me. OMG who are these men that think it's a good idea to call a woman fat on a first date or give unsolicited weight loss advice, ask for her weight and so on and somehow they call for a second date? I feel like a man should bite his tongue no matter what and if he isn't interested then don't ask her out again or call her. It's pretty simple.

-prying for overly personal information before or on a first date

-making the conversation sexual early on

-not being able to tell me why you like me. There should be something there besides looks. If you can't find one single attribute or common hobby other than "I think you're pretty," why are you bothering me?

-being pushy or indicating that you think women are stupid/less than men/don't REALLY matter. I told a guy that I was on the Dean's list for 4 semesters straight and he rolled his eyes and started talking dirty to me.

-not having any sort of job whatsoever

-The arrogance of only wanting women 5 or 10 years OR MORE younger than themselves.

I'd rather have a broke guy who stuggles than a guy who doesn't work and lives off his parents
I'd rather have a guy who tells me the struggles he's faced and what's he's done to make his life better
I'd rather have a guy who tells me he accepts my flaws because he knows he's not perfect
I'd rather have a guy who tells me things about me he's noticed that he likes.

I remember back when I still lived in Buffalo, there was this construction worker I liked. I hung all over him and tried to get him to date me. He said I would never stay with him, so he didn't want to give me a chance to break his heart. He pointed out his low income, his status of blue collar and his crooked teeth. All of these things didn't matter. I just wanted someone I would feel comfortable hanging out with.... someone who was honest and sweet. I can't date someone whose IQ is so low that I can't carry on a conversation with him, but having gone to an IVY league school doesn't matter much when you sit there an insult your date, pat her hand like she's an infant and tell her, "don't worry sweetie, I'll let you talk later."

I long for the days of the simple blue collar worker who speaks to me like I'm a person and is convinced that I'm not good enough for him. Even the Blue collar Jews from Brooklyn aren't like that. I am certain that the only true answer to this problem is for Jewish mothers to raise their sons better in the first place. They don't seem to be doing a very good job now based on the experiences I've encountered.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Request: A Little Something About Dating As a Convert

It was requested that I put up a post about dating as a convert. OH where to begin....

I am a cute white girl with Blonde Hair and blueish green eyes and an hourglass figure. When I go out places, men generally stare and try to talk to me. I've been, for most of my life, drooled over by men/boys. I also look substantially younger than I am. It's genetic. My mother and grandmother both looked young. My grandmother said her mother and grandmother looked young. I never expected to have a problem dating.

I've been set up with men as much as 30 years older than me on more than one occasion. One woman told me to contact a certain rabbi... because she knows he works with black and foreign men. I played it off like I didn't understand what she was getting at. I didn't date black and foreign men before my conversion and I'm not going to start now.

The set ups I've gotten have been horrible. The guys I've found on my own have been tolerable, but bad. By the time this shoots live (I'm pre-writing all of the posts and scheduling them), my post talking about the DJs date will be on the blog. That's about what my dates are like when I meet guys on my own. I get snarky little comments similar to what the DJ got. I think it's a Jewish problem. The DJ's guy was in finance and a lot of those guys can't find someone. I hear guys whining, "I don't know why I can't find anyone. I make good money." Well, women do want someone that can pay the bills when they go on maternity leave and possibly take time off to raise the kids, but it's such a turn off when a man insults you on a first date. Comments like, "I thought you'd be taller," "shouldn't you weigh 110 pounds for your height?", Explaining to a woman how to lose weight after you just complemented her body, screaming at her or the waitress, generally arrogant behavior and acting like you think you are better than her, not letting her talk, giving unsolicited advice, will piss women off.

Also, even trying to find a guy on my own, I've been disrespected as listed above. Meh, I don't need someone who's going to insult me and possibly hit me. I mean if a guy insults me on the first date, I can't much have hope that things will get BETTER. Truth be told, if a radio DJ can't meet a decent guy, why should someone like me expect to find one. The worst is the chasidim. They are really the only ones who are willing to date converts, but they just want to sleep with you and get rid of you. I put one of those in his place. He was in his 20s and kept talking dirty to me on the phone. I told him I didn't think we'd be compatible so he said that we were both in our sexual peak so it was perfect showing where his head (hahaha) was at... I simply explained to him that I actually hit my peak at about 25 and I don't have any sex drive anymore.... Um, yeah, he didn't call me again.

There's really no way around it. Matchmakers honest with me, told me the guys said they would be embarrassed and they generally want something a little more "status" than a convert. So, for those women who think they are converting to marry money, guess again. I wasn't looking for money, but I can tell you, I most assuredly dated better men and turn down better men all the time solely because they aren't Jewish. Even a conservative woman who didn't know I was a convert told me she had problems. She presumed that it's because Jewish mothers spoil their sons so much they have no incentive to cut the apron strings. I agree. I dated a divorced man, 44 living with his mom. He told me he expected a woman to basically do what his mom does: clean up after him and put a roof over his head so he can blow his earnings from work on garbage-plus sex, of course. Yeah... and this is one of the BETTER guys I've dated that I met on Frumster so not through a matchmaker.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Dip Some Apple in Honey and Watch This Video

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Tuesday, September 3, 2013

A Radio DJ Has Date Like So Many Dates I've Had

I was listening to radio a lot lately, as I mentioned on another post. A female DJ was telling about a bad date that she had had over the weekend on Monday the 19th.... As she describes it, it went like this. She happened to be wearing kitten heels instead of high heels. She walks up to him at the start of the date and she is greeted with, "I thought you'd be taller." Ummmm, WTF is a woman supposed to say to that? Unless she lied about her height, there isn't really anything to say. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that I am under an obligation to have gravity shoving my toes forward into a cramped position to go meet some stranger.Yes, I get that most women do, but I don't. She, the DJ, brought this up when telling the story. I likely would have just said, "wellll, this is the height I am" while thinking WTF? The man continued on to talk about himself non stop on the date. Finally, he stops and says that it's his only fault and that he thinks what he has to say is just that important.

My reaction upon hearing this whole story was, "hey this sounds like my better dates!" Seriously, men, if you don't have anything nice to say, just shut up. If you think a woman is too short, then don't ask her on a second date. It's really quite simple. Oh and come up for air. Asking how you're doing is pathetic, too, by the way. We won't tell you the truth anyhow unless we are looking to leave. Men should stop and think, would you be having a good time if your date walked up and said, "I thought you'd be taller." I know that men don't want a woman who won't let them talk. We just want to meet someone that we can feel comfortable around and  talk to who seems like he's not going to beat us or the kids someday and you know can pay at least half of the bills plus enough to cover for a maternity leave (because employers don't pay for that people think they do, all they do is hold your job). It's really quite sad that men can't be pleasant to be around around for an hour or two but they want to physically merge with women because they spent a whole $10 on her. I think I'd rather be picking up phones for $10 an hour than being a prostitute of sorts.

Monday, September 2, 2013

I Will Not Be Approving Nasty Comments

I just want to give the readers a heads up. I will not be approving nasty comments. I used to approve almost anything. I just put two up, defended myself then decided to delete all of this. I guess I didn't make myself clear, I was not asking for advice. That's kind of the point. I'm really F**kin sick of the unsolicited advice in the community. If I make a decision and I talk about a decision I've already made, then I don't want your advice. Oh and all the advice that you guys give, I've heard it a thousand times. I am not the sort to take advice after several people give me the same advice. I'm quite sure I said in the first post, I think outside the box and I'm proud of that fact. No, I don't give LIP SERVICE to thinking outside the box, I REALLY think outside the box. Or do you people SERIOUSLY think you are original or something... because wow you aren't.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Prince Charming Illusion

Everyone remind me again what year it is. Is it 1613 or 2013?

I am REALLY fed up with women constantly telling me a man should come along and fix my every problem. If I make the slightest little comment to another woman about not being able to afford something, I always hear the same thing, "maybe you'll meet a man, get married and he will make enough for you to have these things." My response is usually, "I don't make enough to pay for the dates." Then they chime in that he will pay for the dates... My experience is that men want women who have the money to get dolled up so they can parade them around. Nobody is going to pay for a woman's make up and heels on a first date. Most of the guys who have gone out with me seem to expect sex after they spent $10 on dinner. The bill comes and they start muttering about how expensive it is and they can't afford it. We are talking about dates of $20 to $30 for the full bill.

I'm burned out and jaded. On the old blog everyone came in and told me to stop dating because I was so bitter. The problem is that even if I decide to stop, the community will not stop trying to convince me to date. Does anyone actually have a prospective date with whom I want to spend my time? It was over a year ago but the last set up called to make plans for the first date, offering to take me to an expensive concert at Carnegie Hall. Before hanging up, he told me that after it, he asked if he could come over and f*ck me. Yes, he used that word. I was stunned and angry (I should know better). I just said, "no you can't." To which he whined and protested, "well why not?" Some would say, well, he's spending all that money on you, he should get IT in return, right? Who the hell asked him to spend that money on me? I surely didn't. I had no interest in going to this show, whatsoever. I was going to be going because he said he really wanted to go to it.

The "Shadchan"  was self declared. She was a 20 something girl still living at home with her parents and studying in grad school. It really must be nice to have such a luxury of parents that let you live at home and be a child when you are chronologically an adult. She refused to deal with this. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that they try to sell singles on the idea of using a shadchan based on the fact that there would be an intermediary. Shouldn't an intermediary explain to this supposedly Orthodox man that when you are being arranged for marriage, you don't ask a woman over the phone before meeting her if you can f*ck her. If I wanted to be spoken to like that by men, I can very easily go into a bar in revealing clothing. Why should I tolerate this from someone I've never even met who is supposedly in the market for a woman who thinks outside the box. See, THAT was why I was told he and I were a good match. Oh and I hate to say this, but I DID get more respect when I was in my 20s and met men wearing clothing that Orthodox would not consider tznius.

Anyway, the point is that if I feel my life is better without the options I have for male companionship, I should be able to make that decision. Instead, the community keeps trying to bait and switch trick me. I don't really need to keep hearing about this hypothetical prince charming coming out of the woodwork. I'm quite realistic that a woman like me isn't going to get a RESPECTFUL age appropriate Jewish man who is also making middle class wages or better. Those men go to FFBs who come from middle class or wealthy homes and married parents. They don't go to converts who grew up below the poverty line with divorced parents and extended family members that serve as poster children for white trash. I can dream of winning the lottery more realistically than I can dream of finding a decent man for myself. Of course, if I won the lottery, I can bet prince charming would suddenly appear out of nowhere.