Friday, October 8, 2010

shidduch crisis = spoiled brat crisis

Much discussion has been made about the shidduch crisis and what causes it on this blog, other blogs, amongst the rabbis and lay persons alike. I would like to propose that the shidduch crisis is a direct result from the trend from mommies spoiling their little brats.

Everyone says that most of the singles don't really wanna get married. They say they want to get married, but can't find anyone because this is a good way to get friends, family members and random nosy and intrusive Jews to shut up. Why should they want to get married, though? They are usually living with their parents. They are paying little to no rent and doing little to nothing of the sweating of running a household. They might get mad at me and tell me, "I help out!" I'm sure they do. However, helping mommy is not the same as all of it being your responsibility. Besides which, parents today are not raising their kids with the mountain of chores of yesteryear. I'll be honest. I didn't spend full days on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, as my mother and grandmother did. They had no choice. Their mothers required it of them. My grandmother told me a time or two that she had tons of chores and her parents and older siblings were outrageously mean to her. She married the first guy that asked her to get out of there. She was lucky that she married a good man. Many of her friends married to go from the frying pan to the fire.

This supposition I make gains ground if you think about the fact that there is not a shidduch problem in the chasidic community. If I'm right, of course there wouldn't be. These women have so many kids. I recently heard of a woman with TWENTY-THREE kids... oh and they tell me she still looks like a ballerina. In these families like this, the older siblings are raising the younger siblings. I know a boy who was raised, as he tells me not chasidic, litvish. However, I've seen his childhood pictures. He and his brothers sport peyos and his mom had 12 kids. That sounds chasidic to me. What's my point? Well, he also tells me that he was changing diapers at age 9. Soooo, seriously not spoiled! If you talk to one of these families in Kew Gardens Hills or Flatbush, they will tell you that their boys need to learn and only the girls can help out but, they can't because they have.... whatever is the Orthodox equivalent to soccer practice and dance class for girls. They are busy having a life that mommy gave them the priviledge of having.


  1. Well, there are Charedi who are not Chassidic, as their traditions are rooted with the Vilna Gaon, though Mitnagdim are not as well publicised.

    There is a good argument that kids stay home, because it is comfortable with them. With large families, there is incentive to get the hell out and get some breathing room. I never changed my sister's diaper, and even with more siblings, my mother is such a her-way micro manager, I never would be trusted to do it as she doesn't believe in training, she believes in yelling at someone if they do anything not in complete accord with her way.

    In some of those families the youngest kids are probably still spoiled, though.

  2. I agree to a large degree. Over the years I've dated, not that I've dated oodles of ffbs (prefer BTs but they are hard to find at this age), many were long time working part time (not just due to economy). Guys in their 30s that after YU, never found a full time job. Instead they are working 15-25hours a week and having their parents pay their rent and much of their living expenses. Some of their parents are well into retirement age, but are still working. I don't see why these guys aren't ashamed to take handouts from their older parents.