Sunday, July 26, 2009

Michal on the shidduch crisis

This is a string from the End The Madness bulletin board. Just below this and at the top of the post is my response. You will see the original post and one other reply to that post below my response (not in that order)

Michal response:
Some of these issues are real issues. I've seen people who are completely unrealistic about what kind of shidduch they could really attain. Cliches would be the 40, 50 plus year old men who run after young girls under the premise of they want to have kids. I know a 28 year old FFB who won't consider a BT or a ger. However, there are other issues. There really aren't any shadchans anymore. I called some lists off the internet and heard over and over again, "I don't do it anymore." The one or two that I found that did, sent me to SYAS and that was wholelly disappointing.

BACKGROUND-people are obsessed with background and "the family." If a girl becomes different from her family, she'll never get a shidduch because she will repeatedly be matched up according to her family and her background. I know of a girl who doesn't want to cover her hair and she comes from a family where women do. She can't find anyone because they keep setting her up with men who want a girl to cover. They tell her it's not important, get married and just cover. In other words, "we won't set you up with what's right for you, just marry what we say is right for you and change for him."

I myself am a gyoress. I went in front of a beis din and committed to being an observant Jewess for the rest of my life. For some reason, this indicates to shadchanim that I should be set up with men who aren't observant.

On Wed 06/10/2009 08:44:57 AM, Chananya wrote:
Was the author of this letter also anonymous? If so, how do we know it wasn't the same person who wrote the first letter? And why should we care what an anonymous person thinks, or claims to think?

In any case, the writer left out a few key things, most notably the lack of natural meeting opportunities for singles and the lack of desire on the part of many singles for there to be more such opportunities.

I also wonder why women shouldn't become lawyers or pursue hobbies that may "scare away" certain primitive men. He laments the way singles reject one another for petty reasons, and in the same breath he urges women to be untrue to themselves and even make major lifestyle decisions strictly for shidduch purposes. Seems this person is on the right track, but is still clinging to madness.


On Mon 06/08/2009 02:52:53 PM, Mr. LeShem Shamayim wrote:
Dear End The Madness,

The most recent Jewish Lifestyle Magazine (June 2009)
printed a long letter about the root causes of the Shidduch Crisis:

This is what they printed:

Dear Editor,

Three months ago, Jewish Lifestyle Magazine printed an article entitled:
The Jewish Singles Scene. The anonymous author of that article obviously had good intentions, and he or she will be certainly rewarded for that.

However, that article is merely urged Jews to attack the Shidduch Crisis by making more matches, without correcting the underlying problems that cause the Shidduch Crisis.

These causes, not listed in any order, include:

* too much interference from parents of Jewish singles

* Jewish singles who reject each other because of minor flaws

* Jewish singles who do not work to correct their own flaws

* Lashon HaRa and Motzi Shem Ra (popular myth says shiduchim are a heter)

* Jewish single men who are unemployed or working at low paid jobs

* Jewish girls who were taught that a learning boy is their ONLY choice

* fat singles who attempt to reduce by dieting alone without exercise

* judging Jewish singles by which yeshivah or Beth Jacob they attended

* judging people by which country their great grandparents came from

* myths and stereotypes about: Baalei Teshuvah and gerim and Sephardim

* Jewish girls who reject any man more than 3 years older than them

* Jewish girls who reject any man less than 7 inches taller than them

* Jewish girls who scare away men by doing martial arts or becoming lawyers

* Jewish singles who do not know how to dress themselves correctly

* Jewish singles who do not realize that their deodorant is not working

* Jewish singles listening to advice from the wrong people

* Jewish singles not listening to any advice

* paranoid girls suspect every man of harming women

* shadchanim who do not know what they are doing or care only about money

* Jews failing to judge each other favorably (LeCaf Zechut)

* Jewish singles who do not truly want to get married

* People who promise to set up Jewish singles on dates, and then forget about them

* our sins, both against G_d and people


  1. "Shadchanim" who set you up with men who are not observant ?

    I would revoke their license.


  2. Sounds great! The only problem is that they don't get licenses and there's no one to complaint to. If you daresay "X" shadchan called me with a guy and he's not shomer Shabbos because "of a job problem" was how she worded it, well, that's lashon hara. It's funny how the married women in shul keep telling me to go to the same bad shadchanim over and over again. I stopped trying to get married. No wonders why there's a shidduch crisis. I mean, yes, I don't pay, but, it's insulting, really insulting to hear these suggestions. It's as though they laughed and said, "you don't mind, since converts aren't real Jews, while I offer you this guy who doesn't care enough about his Judaism to go and find another job?"

  3. Well, better to be single than in a bad relationship. Honestly, the thought of ever getting married scares me much of the time.

  4. Michal. I don't think that there are a lack of Shadchanim out there as much as they just don't want to deal with your particular case and the nice way of saying that they don't want to deal with your particular case is that they are no longer in the business. In the alternative, these particular shadchanim maybe out of the business but believe me when I tell you that there are a hundred or perhaps a thousand more for everyone shadchan that goes out of business.

    The point is as you alluded to towards the end of your response to the article. It is that the shadchanim don't want to peer you up with someone realistic. They want to peer you up with someone that they feel is appropriate for you to be with - going out with. Which is not only reckless but wholly irresponsible. I know stories from friends of mine who were dating and whose parents were either divorced or dead. The shadchanim refused to see the person for who he was and only looked for similar cases of people who came from families that had either a divorced or deceased parent.

  5. Yeah, it's funny, they want so badly to deal with the young FFBs with perfect families and those people want to find their match without a shadchan because they don't want to deal with the drama. They know how shadchans are. Even so, these are not the easy cases that they think they are, as these usually have a more exhaustive laundry list they are looking for.

  6. The issue probably is Modern Orthodoxy, alot of people are uncomfortable with some of their view points