Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A little something I hate about dates

As everyone is alway pressuring me to "try harder to get married," I was thinking about what it is that bugs me so much about "trying to get married" and dating, especially dating in the Jewish community and I realized what it is. On the rare occasions that I've had a date, they feel like an interrogation. I don't sit there and ask personal questions but, the guys always seem to want to ask very personal stuff like why I converted. It's funny how they want to know personal stuff about me but they are unwilling to share anything about themselves. Do they think that spending a couple bucks on food for me really entitles them to know all my business? Am I the only one who thinks this?


  1. No, they expect to get to know you because they're taking you out on a date. On a date, that's what you do. The paying for the food isn't what entitles them, the date does.

    Judging by the way you write, I can see people viewing you as having a very intimidating personality. For the most part, guys would prefer to be the "intimidating" ones. So, when they come across someone like you, I can easily understand them getting flustered and jumping for the "easiest" conversation out there.

    I've never converted, so I can't say for sure, but I think most people would say that converting was the biggest decision in their life. No one means to be rude, and although I personally wouldn't ask anyone because I know converts and consider it rude, but most people think it's common knowledge and not something insanely personal. I have heard stories from converts and there was nothing personal about it. All of the famous stories out there aren't very personal. So people probably assume the same about most converts.

  2. Considering that dress size and type of tablecloth used on Shabbos can make or break a relationship, I'd say, yes. You are the only one that feels this way.

  3. maybe they are willing to share but waiting to be asked?
    also, maybe they dont realize that asking why you converted is very personal?
    (i didnt until now, i thought that was pretty standard like asking a bal tshuva how he became frum)
    p.s. if you were dating a nonjew, they probably would ask why you converted as well.
    and for clarification, are you talking about a first date?

  4. Do you ever have the opposite problem, the guy who just blabs and blabs about himself?

  5. No, I don't have the opposite problem, neighbor.

    For clarification, they aren't willing to tell me anything when I ask. They just fire questions at me and I find dating to be this horrible thing. Also, why does getting to know each other mean the guy FIRES question after question at the girl, like the guy who was testing my knowledge.

    Actually, my story is on my blog but also a person hates to feel like they are on display. If I'm on a first date with a BT, he doesn't want to tell me how he became frum but I'm supposed to tell my story.

  6. Well it's a really interesting issue.... :-/

    I'd bet that some of the problem lies in guys not really knowing what to talk about or how to talk to women. Frustrating but true.

    Another part of the problem is when the guy is from greater NYC -- which adds on its own whole kit + caboodle of idiosyncracy and hangups.

    The interrogation thing is definitely weird though. Guys need to put up or shut up about that. If they go on in an interrogational style, make it a 5 & 5 deal. You each get to switch-off asking a certain number of questions about the other person..... at least until the exchange becomes conversational.

    If they're not willing to get with that program, tell 'em to stuff it. Coffee + bagel isn't enough to purchase a one-way ticket to another human being's inner world.

  7. I once heard a quote from Katy Perry

    She said that when a guy pays a few bucks for a date they expect oral gratification from the woman (She was more blunt in her statement)

    If you think about it which is worse, the guy who wants to her all your personal information on a date or the guy who just wants sex

  8. I think in general, frum people don't know how to get to know one another. I've been invited to people for Shabbos where they pull this, too. I know a family met me in shul one time and had me over and just walking home from shul it was what do you do and why can't you get a better job than secretarial. When we were eating the meal one of the girls said something about clothes for work and I said what do you do, she just didn't answer and then her family changed the subject and talked over me. I felt as if I had just had a one night stand with a guy who blew me off. I was sitting there thinking I just told you all this crap about me and you can't tell me anything about you.

    In the secular world, women don't do this to each other but Jewish women do. Dating whether it's secular or not secular, I feel like it's always super awkward. Guys can't just go out and just fucking be. To me finding someone means we have to be able to not talk for a minute or two. You don't have to be talking every minute.

  9. You have the wrong idea about dating. Its not supposed to be an interrogation. You dont ask or be asked personal questions. You address those questions to the shadchan.

  10. I remember a rabbi advising to give a resume to any woman I was interested in, after I convert. His recommendation was a dentist.