This is post replying to the comment on SWF, 41 hasn't given up as I have.
As I've said before, the guys have it easy. First it wasy BeeZee, now it's Cup O' Coffee. Sometimes, I think I should date someone I don't like just so I can tag along with him on Shabbos and holidays and not have to sit home by myself. I'm constantly getting comments like I shouldn't be upset or whatever and this is the way it is. However, what you men are not understanding is that I'm not the only woman who is upset. Many BT women go back off the derech and site their reason as the fact that they didn't feel like they fit in the community. They didn't make friends and no one invited them for Shabbos. It's always the men who say, "I don't know what you're talking about, I have no problem getting Shabbos meals." Of course you don't!!! You are a man and men don't have these problems. Before people piss and moan about the skyrocketing intermarriage rates they ought to look to see if they've done any little things to try to make the Jewish world better for those inside it. Inviting someone over and being mean to them or not inviting people over contributes to intermarriage. My blog is here to try to connect the dots for those thick-headed Jews out there.
I really doubt going to your friends would be any better but where do they live? If I can stay by my friend, maybe I'll make an attempt. That's another thing. Even when I make friends with women it doesn't matter, because their husbands don't want me being friends with them. Husbands expect their wives to make friends WITH OTHER MARRIED WOMEN only and don't want some intruder coming for Shabbos. They want a wife to have friends who go their own way on Shabbos to their own family. Yet these same men want to invite all their friends and even without asking their wives first.
Most non-Jewish friends are no where near as nosy as Jews and there's this concept of a friendship UNFOLDING as you ask more later on. I just don't ask people a lot at first. Generally, you're sitting and talking to people and you start exchanging stories and you get to know each other that way, not by machine gun firing questions at someone making them feel like they are being mocked.
The idea that you have that people expect chesed for chesed makes what their doing no longer a chesed. If you invite someone over to make them feel uncomfortable, then you're not being kind. A chesed implies that they should not expect from me. However, your theory is flawed as sometimes the person picking on me is another guest. Also, it has happened when I've brought packaged food gifts with me. Also, it is more than my conversion story that people want to know that is out of line. I guess in the Jewish world they don't follow regular manners, but when non-Jews ask things like how much money you make, no one disputes that they are out of line. Sometimes, too, it's not that they ask anything soooo personal but more that they fire question after question at me and refuse to tell me about themselves. I actually went with a convert in the process to someone's house and they did it to her, too. They called me, "the one that keeps Shabbos" and they repeatedly harked on her throughout the entire meal that she needed to move somewhere she couldn't afford. Actually, I had a guest in my home who had the unmitigated gaul to start in on a mutual friend at my table about why she didn't like a certain rabbi. Then she started on me about why couldn't I make more money. She said I could make $50/hour. When she got a job and moved out of her grandparents' house I ran into her one day at the store and she had to put back some of her groceries because she couldn't afford them. Apparently, it wasn't as easy as she thought it was! Only in the Jewish world is ok to demand that someone explain to you why they are poor. For all the emphasis they put on "socializing" kids in the Jewish community, something has gone wrong, as they are not properly socialized. Being socialized means you know better than to ask these things.
I don't understand how "feeling the waters to see if they want to have you over again" justifies the sort of behavior and lines of questioning that I've been exposed to. I have been to some good people however, more than half of my experiences have been really bad. It's enough to make me afraid to try to go to people for Shabbos.
What I see is that the Jewish people want to sweep their flaws under the rug and not fix what's broken. It's not only this but there are many other issues and I"m not the only one in the Jewish blogger who feels this way. I think perhaps a double standard is being applied that I, as a woman, am supposed to be more nicy nice. However, the men are allowed to criticize, many male bloggers do.