Sunday, May 8, 2011

part 5: socializing

When I offer hospitality (very regularly since I don't get invited), people will come and come again, but rarely do they offer a return invite which is common at singles meals. They will, though, reciprocate when my friends host and will help set them up with men they know. In my old neighborhood, I once had a meal I hosted and one guest explicitly invited everyone, BUT me. Yet even after that she continued to accept invites to my home and ask to bring friends when she requested hospitality through the old shul and she was often matched with me. I could never understand this.

I would not have invited her again after that. This is not a friend.

Both Michal and I did not date during the lengthy conversion process, as for me at least I didn't feel right about dating a Jewish man when I wasn't Jewish yet. I respected the boundaries of gentile and Jews from interacting on such a deep level, hoping the lines would blur when I became a Jewess. Especially as I was in a modern yeshivish environment for much of my conversion process and I was under the impression it really would not have been acceptable. I am regretting the lost time now. I was told that dating could delay my conversion or even invalidate it. Yet I found that those women that cheated, often jump ahead of me, getting to cut corners in the process and were converted and were married well before I finished. Many are not Orthodox practicing now, they were just more convincing to a beit din, so they could plan their wedding that it appears I'll never get to have. At least they were married to guys that seem good, working, and age appropriate. Not the dirty old lazy bums I get offered for following the rules.Yet, here I am, still not married and really feel I need to give up since few men will consider dating me and the ones that do treat me horribly and I get people feel I deserve it.


  1. I'm the guest poster. The hospitality committees at the shuls I've been involved with have you call or email if you are hosting and have space available. Or if you need a meal. Based on supply/demand, people are assigned and the guests are invited by the hospitality committee and provided with the host's contact info.

    So I couldn't figure out a delicate was of saying I didn't want that person coming but I'd be open to other people without making me look like I had the problem. That being said other hosts will qualify a meal by gender or age range, but given this girl was around my age, I couldn't see how I could get away with a qualifier.

  2. after reading what you wrote, i thought to myself sounds like you made such nice preparations and they're having such a good time at your house, no wonder they just want to come back to your house...their preparations may not even be that nice.

    what if you were to approach directly those who make you feel uncomfortable and tell them your concerns directly? you can do it in private if anything, and ask for an explanation. tell them that you're wondering if maybe you did something wrong and you'd like to know what would that be so you can remedy it and also be invited when they have other people over? (i'm not saying you necessarily did something wrong, but what i'm saying is to say it like this so that if they did something wrong, they should give them the opportunity to do teshuva, you're hinting at it)

  3. This was my old neighborhood, I've since moved onto a supposedly 'friendlier' neighborhood, and it is although slightly more.

    I was advised by a rav to have a mutual acquaintance ask the girl and a couple other people that also repeatedly continued to accept invites made by the hospitality committee. Yet did not return an invite when it was known they were hosting.

    The mutual acquaintance was my neighbor and part of the hospitality committee. He went to my meals so he saw the interactions, did think it was unfair and rude, but he put off asking until he was leaving the neighborhood. He said he didn't want to mess up invites he got from the people when they were hosting. He actually specifically tried to get me invited a few times telling people I didn't have plans for meals but wasn't successful before outright asking why. She told him she didn't have any issues with me, but just liked inviting people she knows and their friends over, and doesn't like extending to other folks. And no she wasn't a sheltered NY FFB not use to non-FFBs--she was a conservative rabbi's daughter from Canada. Same with another guy that often came, he didn't want to host people outside his circle and friend of friends, but saw no problem in repeating coming to my meals and asking to bring a few friends. Another person thought I was too 'old' to be friendly with as I was two years old than she was.

    I got the hint.

  4. if she is conservative, and you are orthodox you may not be able to go to her house to eat anyway because the conservative are more lenient in terms of their kosher standards, though technically she can eat in your house.

    however, in terms of those who may apparently not be as nice as you are to them, then maybe you should ask your Rabbi about it b/c if you are being too nice and more nice than necessary, this may count as if you are "turning the other cheek" which is a Christian concept.

  5. the other perspective is about doing a mitzvah without expecting a if you expect people to invite you after you invited them, though it is nice to do so, but if you do want to be invited back, that may count as if doing only a conditional mitzvah....that's just 2 elements to have in mind...