Friday, January 8, 2010

Related post: just because you want to say something... doesn't mean you should say it

I was just thinking about the defense you get from people in the community when you complain about others asking personal questions. Often the response is, "well, it's pretty natural for people to be curious about that." Whether or not people want to know something should be independant of whether or not they ask.

For example, I recently worked for a woman who had just had a baby. Apparently, she made a new friend while she was very much showing. After she had the baby, this woman says to her something like, "oh you're skinny, I just assumed you were fat because..." Well, I actually think it's natural to see a big woman and know that she's also preggies but, it doesn't dawn on you that she's only big for the baby. However, it's better to not say these things to your friend.

The same goes true for asking me why I converted. Wait until you know the person a little and then ask, "I never asked you your conversion story, do you mind sharing it?" Don't ask in front of others. If you ask this, say, on Shabbos and other guests start showing up and the person telling you their story doesn't know these people, DROP IT. Don't say, "oh, so you were telling me...."

I have a frum Jewish friend who asked me about for sex tips to improve her marriage. You know what though? I think I knew her a year or near to it, when she asked me and NO ONE else was around. When her HUSBAND came home... the topic changed. Why can't everyone be this wise?


  1. I'm sure people are curious, after all not everyone has met a convert before.

    But that does mean you need to broadcast it to the entire world. If someone feels comfortable in mentioning that yes indeed they are a Ger then it should come at a time and place where they feel comfortable in mentioning so.

    Others just want to blend in and ultimately feel welcomed into as well as not forgetting to mention here to become apart of a particular community in which they have chosen to be apart of.

  2. I don't think that's so tznius for a married woman to discuss these issues with a friend.

  3. I may tell the story but, I get sick of telling it. I'd rather the guy wait and ask me on a second date. Why should I bother if he's not going to ask me out again? Also, I can't STAND it when they ask in front of people, like on a bus where there are people around from the community.