Monday, December 14, 2009

The REAL cause of the Shidduch Crisis

Is that which I posted about in the last post and everything related to it. Singles have become too picky. This man said he's only attracted to a size two. Who's to say if a size two girl is attracted to him. Everyone wants the best and not everyone can be the best so, therefore not everyone can have the best. If it isn't the men demanding a size two, it's the women who want the top learner in Lakewood or the man who makes the most and is gorgeous.

Myself, I just want a guy who I enjoy his company and we can build a life together. He has to have personality, though. I can't compromise that.


  1. I don't think that people are unaware of this. The post-high school beis medrash that I attended was Litvish, and it showed me a very different side of the shidduch world. I was made aware of the fact that many boys have lists, and even if they date someone who is at a low number on their list and they like her, they will hold out just to see about a higher numbered girl. I think that is pretty absurd. In my opinion, the Chasidishe system works somewhat better, in that we don't really have that sort of thing going on. We do, though, have a slightly larger number of single boys than girls, which could help the "crisis" on the more heimish Chasidish leaning end of the single yeshivish girls.

  2. A friend of mine once was told bluntly by her aunt, "Better doesn't want you. You are 5'2, why do you need a man that is 6'2? What are you going to do with that extra foot?"

    On a less blunt note, I think it behooves everyone to be self-aware when seeking a shidduch. If you want better, then become better. Because if you are all schlumpy, better won't want you.

  3. That's what I'm talking about! The rabbis need to speak out about this instead of signing lists. Until they get the boys to change their mentality, it doesn't matter what the shadchans suggest. Besides which, they will find a way to find a younger girl. I'm not so sure that's the exact problem, anyhow. If that were the case, you wouldn't have boys on the market. Although, I did an informal Frumster research and it seems the rabbis may be right. I found 53 boys chasidic and yeshivish in their upper 20's. While some people won't get on Frumster, that's a far, far cry from the 7 hundred something women they gave as a number. Far enough, that I think there are probably more women than men. However, I stand by my claim that more men go off the derech than women.

  4. It's not that people have become so picky so to speak. People have way too many unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating.

    And why is it that women over a certain age are being branded as a crisis all of a sudden? And furthermore to add to this discussion why have BT's and Gerim been left out of these statistics as well?

  5. I received an Email just this morning from a man who wanted to set me up but, he snuk (is that a word?) in there that women 34 and up are assumed to not be able to have children. He said that I can only marry a man who already has children. Now, that is the most ri-DIC-u-LOUS thing I've heard. My mother, grand-mother and great grand-mother ALL had children in their thirties. My mother was the youngest having her last child which was me at 33. However, the great grandmother was almost 40 when she had her last child and with the medical advances nowadays, things are even better for me.

    What I worry about is men with these perceptions. The problem is that most women will NOT go out with men more than a couple years older than themselves. So, they aren't going to find that which they want. The obligation is on the men, not the women and if they dig in their heels and refuse to be reasonable in who they will date, it is they who will be stammering in Sh'Mayim, not the women.

  6. Of course women over 34 can have babies. Anyone who comes from a big family is living proof of this. Besides women in their late 30's and early 40's choose to begin trying to have a family at that age.

    I'm sure by community standards and people's perceptions that these women/men got left behind on the shelf for either being to picky or not willing to settle for what they believed was a compatible match.

    Why agree to marry someone if in the first place you were completely incompatible? It's just not worth it. At the end of the day you know what works for you. Don't settle for anything less.