Saturday, November 14, 2009

My friend had a disturbing shidduchim encounter...

So, my friend just told me that a rabbi from her area apparently cornered her mother and told her that there's a problem with her status on the shidduch market. What this time? Her mother shops at the wrong store!

"Are you serious?" you ask. Well, she heard this second hand (from her mother) so, hopefully, it's not for real. However, there is such a disturbing trend in the shidduch world. This is not the only story this gyoress has heard from young FFBs or their parents about this sort of thing.

A rabbi posted online one time that his son was turned down by someone because he was a BT. Now, he wasn't just some BT from yesterday. He had been a BT for I think 40 years and a rabbi for 30 of those years. There were a handful of rosh yeshivos in his and his wife's families. Also, his wife was an FFB going back many generations... but oh, no, that wasn't good enough. This family wanted both families to be FFB for many generations.

As a convert, I have been subjected to outright verbal abuse by the shadchanim and the community. This is why I will no longer date or ask people for Shabbos invitations. It isn't bad enough that shadchanim tell me I'm not good enough for anyone but losers, the community has to knaw at me by repeatedly blaming me for being single. Even the lady at the check cashing place asked me last Friday, "you're beautiful, why aren't you married?" GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

But, wait there's more!

No, I'm not including a set of ginsu knives. I have another story for you. There is this wonderful lady I work for that has both a son and a daughter. When they were still in the parshah, a woman she knew would repeatedly tell her, "your kids will never marry because you use a shopping cart," or "your kids will never marry because you use a vinyl tablecloth during the week."

Is there any end to this madness?

Happy ending: my friend's son and daughter are both married to great spouses. We need more happy endings like that. However, I fear that when everyone interferes like this, this is why we have such a shidduch crisis.


  1. reactions all three and sad.

    ur fb friend. Sarah

  2. I know a girl who had a shidduch set up that was broken off when the other family found out that her grandfather was a BT. The problem wasn't even one of her parents but her grandfather.

    My impression is that the modern orthodox world is a lot more sensible about these sorts of issues. It seems that these problems exist more in the frummer end of MO and the chareidim.

  3. I agree... This why even though all my friends are yeshivish, I consider myself Modern Orthodox Machmir

  4. There are so many singles out there who want to be married. Why make it so unbearable to the point where some of them will either not marry or will assimilate.

    Is the main reason for the current shidduch "crisis" due the fact of unrealistic expectations people now have?

    When did things become so complicated? Besides,
    do most people 'fit' into these boxes. And does it really matter where a person shops?

  5. Hey, crazy stuff like that happens even to those of us who are FFB's from way back up the family tree. All I say, is chalk it up to the other person's insecurity about his own status/need for kavod (which is probably due to the insecurity)--I think the people like that aren't even usually the ones with real yichus, it's more of a social climbing thing--you know, they've managed to work their way into the inner frum circles of their community and they need to keep up appearances, so to speak.

    Vinyl tablecloths and shopping baskets though--just weird. I think again that speaks to the paranoia and insecurity of that one woman issuing warnings--that might be something *she* saw but as you see, in the end, it simply didn't matter.

    Anyway, Michal, don't let the crazies get you down! I know I've had some suggestions that I could've found insulting (if only because I know there is no way in heck that the suggester would've considered it for their own child/themself) and I've had people flat out tell me that my reason for saying no to a guy wasn't a good one (once coming from somebody who dated a total of 3 guys before getting married, not to mention the fact that we have very different value systems/religious levels and while the guy in question might've fit with hers he didn't with mine) but you just have to believe in yourself and trust your instincts. Also believe that Hashem is the one who runs things, and even if the person intended for you would never get to you through regular channels He will work things out. I know it's not easy, I don't say this lightly, I am in a similar situation.

  6. I'm Chasidish, and I personally think that most of the craziness that goes on with shidduchim is unwarranted. However, I'd rather know that the girl and her family are pretentious and crazy at the beginning, that way I don't have to worry about getting married to someone who would care about such things.

  7. It is ridiculous how much focus is point on meaningless trivialities instead of the core, significant ideas that really need to be known (middos and personality of the person, some information about the family such as shalom bayis with the parents). My favorite stupid shidduch thingy is the kind of shoes the guy wears - laces or slip on. I first heard that laces were good and slip on were bad, because laces signify that the guys keeps even minute points of halacha (such as how to put on/tie shoes) whereas the slip on shows just indicate laziness. THEN I heard the flip side, that slip on shoes are great because it shows his zerizus to get to the beis medrish!

  8. There's too much narcissism in these comments. Shidduchim aren't for pleasure. They're meant to sustain Hashem's People for yet another generation. Families that take shortcuts on the Derech have nothing to complain about when their children run into a dead end.